Today 12Oct2023

It is 7PMish, and I am sitting in a better chair and writing this next to Susie. I have just read Susie many of the FaceBook posts and the emails we have received. I have tried to take a nap, and I also, for a while, halted the parade of people coming. The hospice chaplain and a CNA caring for Susie were moved to another day. We had already done the nurse and the social worker. Dr. Peter “Pete” Koper came by in the morning to sit with Susie before returning to Michigan. Susie is less responsive, but if you look, you can see a micro smile and that she hears you. Susie, I could tell, was happy to see Pete again.

At about 8ish, Anassa, the weekend nursing aide, visited after driving from Salem. She brought some flowers, and we sent her daughter a rose from Susie’s flowers. Anassa had a pleasant visit, and I took a picture. It was the first time I saw Susie smile today!

Next, David and Michelle Smith came to visit. We also connected with their daughter in NYC. We had a nice chat, and Susie was happy, I could tell, to have visitors.

Moving to the night before, I tried to sleep or stay awake, but I was unsure what the right thing was last night. I decided to sleep at 3:30ish, and Rosalie, the night nursing aide, watched me push the spare recliner into Susie’s room. She got me a sheet, and I did manage to sleep an hour or two. Rosalie was helpful all night.

After Pete left, Jennifer surprised me with breakfast. French Toast, scrambled eggs with ham, bacon and sausage. Excellent, and all my favorites. Grapes, seedless, for fruit. I took my pills.

The phone rang often, and I had to get to Target and acquire a charger for my Apple. The battery life is so long that I have never had to charge it in Oregon–I was always back to the house in time to charge it. I found a nice one for $30 and looked away from the official Apple one for $60 (plus having to buy the C-to-C USB cable). With that, I quickly returned to the hummingbird house. Susie was resting and seldom woke up. She can no longer speak–she is too weak to get the words out.

I read and tried to take a nap. Not much luck at that. When Jennifer, the weekday nursing aide, had all the residents sorted for the morning, she got me some towels, and I took a shower. Now the shower head was turned on and so when I started the water. It jumped and soaked me with cold water. I envisioned being hit by the shower head, slipping, falling, and then being done for. What a way to go! None of that happened, but it made me smile–I like to write, and that seemed an interesting story–I might fit that in somewhere.

Surviving the shower without event, I moved to Susie’s bathroom, shaved with the cheap razors I bought, and brushed my teeth. I only cut myself once. What was I thinking buying these wretched things, a whole bag?

Jennifer and I decided it would be good for me to get out for a bit. I had a nice sandwich and soup at Panera Bread nearby. I like the Almond Chicken Salad Sandwich and French Onion Soup. I had a spare bag of chips that Jennifer got on my return as a snack. It was good to get out for an hour or so. I did get two calls on various hospice issues while I ate and drove back. No rest for the wicked (MacBeth)!

As I said, I canceled more hospice folks and tried to use the time to get a nap. Once at the hummingbird house, I closed the door to the room and managed to nod off a few times. I often cannot sleep during the day. I am also stressed, as you can imagine, and that makes finding sleep difficult.

Today, I have to focus on the moment and ignore the future. Emotions come crashing in when wondering about next week or any future. It is better to stay in the moment than face the coming events. One step in front of the next. Jennifer worked with the social worker on final arrangements, which I cannot yet dwell on. It’s just too raw.

I did connect with the Theology Pub tonight, and they were happy to see Susie and me on Zoom.

I was also served dinner tonight by Jennifer and Louis (her husband, who also does a small shift, too). That, too, was a nice surprise. I watched a few videos on gaming to relax a bit. Shut Up & Sit Down was good today.

These are hard days, but another is now in the past. Thanks for reading!

Added later: For those who wish to know: Susie’s place at Allegiance Senior Care LLC, 9925 SW 82nd. Ave. Portland (Tigard), OR 97223; phone (503) 246-4116.