Today 14Oct2023

The day after Susie’s passing was blunted and strange for me. Some colors have left the world, and my mind and body are out of sync. There is a dreamy quality, too, like a mist or play inside a play. The days go on forever and also go by fast.

I made coffee in the French Press and then made more in the coffee pot as I had company; Linda, my sister, is here. It is liberal coffee, of course, but today it was just coffee–the playfulness of “liberal coffee” is gone. I grab two NYC bagels, my stash has not run out (thanks, Joyce!), microwave them, and leave one for Linda to toast when she is ready. I have an apple and carry breakfast to the in-home office. I am not prepared; I will never be ready.

I write the blog and tell the tear-stained tale of Susie’s last moments with us there. With the composing, I started living a new life without Susie being part of my day. It is not difficult as I want to tell this story; it is essential, almost holy.

Remember the morning I thought about what to say while making breakfast and rising. Unlike most of these blogs, I must admit that yesterday’s story was planned as it would be impossible to write it in a stream-of-consciousness style with my emotions shaken, not stirred. As usual, some of the streaming is included but requires careful reworking. It took hours to write it.

Next, I collect various items from Susie’s life in the house, just a few, as I have not made much of a plan for this. I put them in Air Volvo’s cargo hold. I shower, dress, and chat with Linda for a while. We boarded Air Volvo with me at the helm and Linda in the co-pilot seat. She prevents me from connecting with a black Mercedes SUV that slides up to the blind spot even with my blinker on; an unpleasant unsuccessful lane change is avoided. Linda also reminds me to head to Safeway, where I get flowers. One is white roses and lilies for the hummingbird house; another, for Anassa to take home, is sunflowers (Anassa’s fav). I cross Beaverton in light traffic and bump the curb on Allen. It is tricky, and unless you pay close attention, you will help darken the curb with rubber where everyone else hit it.

Air Volvo, without losing any paint, arrives at the hummingbird house. Anassa is the weekend nursing aide, and she was relieved when she came to find Susie’s room was still primarily unchanged (just carefully cleaned last night). She spent some time there, as we do. We put the pictures and framed items on the bed. Jennifer appears, and we share some of the items with her. I leave them there for others to find. I call Leta and Barb, Susie’s mother and sister, respectively, from Susie’s room–one more time while it is still like this–Susie’s room.

It is still Susie’s room today, and her life still seems there. It feels like any moment, she will be back. We leave, a few more tears, as I cannot go yet. The emotions rush in like a sudden tide, and I nearly buckle under the waves of sadness and loss. I find my mental footing and recover. We say our goodbyes to Anassa and board Air Volvo.

Missing that Mercedes as described, we reach The 649 and have appetizers for a late lunch. Linda has cider and me a red ale. We are both tired, and I see the world in black and white. The food, while good, barely registers. Time to rest.

We did tour Hillsboro West, and the new houses come up everywhere. The wheat fields are now houses, and I admire the buildings and suspect they have everything modern and fantastic. I could afford one at about $500K if I sold the Volvo Cave, but then I would give up my rose and my nice backyard. Thus, it is tempting, but I think I will stay in the old house.

A painted rose that would fit Alice’s story.

Air Volvo gets us back, and I sleep. I am up before Linda and put around the house. I read my new books, acquired at The H.P.Lovecraft Film Festival last weekend (how can it only be a week ago?!), The Scum of the Earth. It makes me laugh, and some of the colors are back.

Linda and I tried for B.J. Brewhouse for dinner; the nap and break helped–but food would be good, but the waitlist, I suspect, was so long that it was extra-dimensional. The Road House becomes the choice, and after a short time at the bar, we get to enjoy the slow service and just above-OK food McMenamins are famous for (while keeping their prices high)–lucky they make beer I like. Forty minutes later, our food appeared. I had their steak, and it was something I could have made. But still, a heavy dose of protein fits the bill, and I was feeling better (too many carbs these last few days). More colors return. Coffee, shocking to Linda that I would drink it so late (I am IT and a computer programmer, and my blood likely has small coffee beans floating in it), is my next drink choice. I never drink water after beer.

Air Volvo returned us to the Volvo Cave without incidents or close calls; better. Cornelius Pass road construction is mostly finished, and the renewed and extended five lanes are excellent. Once at the house, Linda went to bed. She is still enjoying East Coast Time, and I stayed up reading and filling out the Death Certificate forms for Susie.

It is time to pick up things; as the famous writer wrote, there is a time for everything.

Thanks for reading.

A song for Saturday: Turn, Turn.