Tonight, the grief came when I was between things. I try to keep busy so that grief only peeks in and makes me sad. Tonight, it reminded me of all that I have lost and what I see in the house: Susie’s hat, her mittens, her purse, her chair–it is hard. I am not sure I can live here, and I am not sure I can stop being overwhelmed. It was hard. Grief is a mountain with no paths–a terrible climb with no promise of finding the summit.
Sorry–it is a hard day.
I lost my hat. The brown one I always wear. I ordered another one, exactly the same, as usual. I think I left it at the theater, and I went there today–not there. I almost ordered a different hat, but it is the one I always wear, so I ordered it again. Maybe next time I will order something new. Brown, medium, and Indiana Jones style.
What to put in the blog? It is Tuesday, and like most of these work days, it is about the same. I hate to keep telling the same story, but life is often about discipline and habits. So please forgive me if this reads like other days.
I woke minutes, or so it seemed, after falling asleep reading about the Battle of Jutland (1916). I knew I had slipped into sleep when I found I was not reading but dreaming the words and seeing the battle. I woke while holding the book, feeling the rocking of my bed as my cruiser was searching for the British (I am reading
From Wikipedia Commons. WW1 German Light Cruiser.
I rose. I did not want to leave the seas and the fading memory of driving through the sea (the rains and the gurgling of the water in the leaf-stuffed gutters added to the nautical feel). I don’t get seasick in my dreams, and the dream coal smoke does not make me cough. We never find the British in my dream patrol, and I enjoy sailing the Kaiser’s fastest ships at full speed in the dream gray reaches. It is a lovely rest.
Finding that my robe and slippers (and not my dream WW1 wool uniform), I start my day by making liberal coffee, not from colonies being expended to pay for new battleships, but the fair exchange that protects the farmers and gives them a reasonable price for their coffee–it is not 1916! I found some baked goods from Whole Foods to go with my banana. I took it all to the in-home office.
Returning to the real world, while tired from my dream patrol, I start the day reading my emails and Slack channel updates and getting ready to start my day. I take my meds, shower, dress, and do everything I need to do to prepare to head to the office. Today, the electric blue (my name for the color) Zoom Air shoes. The pain is much reduced in my feet, and when on the stairs in the Swift Building (after a non-memorable drive in no traffic), I have little challenge being safe. Better.
The usual Zoom status and alignment meetings fill the morning, plus an extra meeting to hear from our CEO to introduce the new CTO, our new boss, the Chief Technology Officer, with her position elevated to the executive team. I cannot cover that here, but it was interesting to hear the new boss. I was done about 11AM and talked to a few folks.
In Swift, lunch was provided for the testers and their support (us), and remembering my A1C (high at 7.2 with it being just over 5 a year ago), I had the veggie sandwich and veggie salad. I could not resist the cupcake. But I only had fruit for some extras for breakfast. No bacon, no carbs.
I did a few more meetings and more research on my new work. Again, details of the work cannot be recorded here. As I said before, I left early to try to recover my lost hat. I finished at home with more Zoom meetings.
My new coat arrived in one day; this one is 3X, fits, and will replace my torn-up Carhartt. I also got a guilty pleasure, a miniature French Bakery to build; I’m not sure when I will get to it, but I look forward to making one of these long weekends, or maybe a few long weekends.
I made dinner after reading some more Jutland and nodding off again. It was another spin in the North Sea. I woke up and made dinner. I had set out a NY strip steak and salted it a few hours earlier. I cooked it in the broiler. I baked it to finish it. I microwaved a sweet potato (I bought a bag of those in error) and added butter and cinnamon (no sugar). I found some corn and heated that in a stainer over hot water.
Aside: I did set off the smoke alarm and did have to put out the flames when the fat from the steaks started a more aggressive grilling process unwise to let continue in the oven. No problem.
I purchased a knife sharpener, recommended by the New York Times, as I had expensive dull knives. Quite frustrating. I got my Global knives back in shape (I keep the sharpener in the bottom of the pantry so it does not get overused, and I want my counter space) and cut the steak into thin slices. I put about 1/3 of the sliced streak in the frig for a salad in a few days.
I enjoyed my dinner while finishing the episodes of Only Murder in the Building for the last season. This zany show was one I watched with Susie until her attention span and ability to stay awake faded. We switched to just music for the last months and short trips to the park. I enjoyed the last three episodes, and I am sure this tripped the grief tonight while I ate alone and watched a show we used to enjoy. I missed sharing the show with Susie.
I will not avoid grief, and someday we will meet as equals and friends, but now it is just pain and tears.
I did call The Willows and left a message with a director to look into Leta’s care–Leta is Susie’s mother. I talked to Leta today; she got some therapy and was feeling better. She was uncomfortable last night, and the night nurse took some actions to help Leta feel better.
Leta can be found at The Willows, 3500 Coolidge Road, Room 302A, East Lansing, MI 48823.
It is now getting later, and I can almost hear the ship’s bells. Time to read more. Jutland and Der Tag is coming into the story. Another dream cruise, I suspect, tonight.
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