Today 9Dec2023: Saturday

I am writing this on a damp Sunday. The most water I have seen this year overnight, with the backyard corner now a pond and the base of the new rose almost covered. I have seen this much water before, but seeing it again this morning was a surprise. I am working through my second weekend for the project.

I started dragging myself out of bed yesterday at 7:30 and discovered that the coffee fairy did not deliver. I, therefore, made coffee and grabbed a banana and a slice of a Whole Foods breakfast-baked product. I hauled these goodies to the office and did my usual reading of emails and Slack updates to prepare for the meetings. I also copied part of the findings from my team when the Zoom meetings started into the chat for everyone to see–it helped.

For the morning, I was busy with status and following along. While details from the shoe company don’t belong here, I was mostly helping with communication.

For lunch I defrosted a pound of maple pork breakfast sausages. I used water and a pan in the sink to defrost–going old school. The sausages were then placed in a glass pan and backed at 350F (177C) for about an hour (I cook them until they start to brown). This cooked while I worked. At 1PMish, I poached two eggs in the water with some vinegar and salt. I had toast with this from store-bought bread. An excellent breakfast for lunch. I saved the extra cooked sausage for another breakfast.

I followed along at work. I showered during the morning (I don’t remember when). The emergencies settled, and the afternoon was quiet. I finished working at about 4PM.

I found myself getting sad. My jaw locked (I did not notice until later when it started to hurt), and I felt myself one step from crying. I did not know then what was wrong.

I called Leta, Susie’s mother, and she was happier, had a few visitors, and was getting more of her fingers to work. The swelling is no longer a concern; at least, Leta did not mention it. She said the cherry pie was good, which made her happy. Barb, Leta’s daughter, and Gordon (Barb’s husband) missed a connection and are spending an unscheduled day at Schiphol Airport in the Netherlands. Last I heard, they were getting some rest in a provided hotel room.

Aside: I have had some excitement at Schiphol over the years. I had some close connections–the place is huge and full of corridors and doors (in some places, there are doors in the middle of open space–leftover from some remodel), and I don’t enjoy rushing through it. On long connections, you often walk miles to the next gate only to walk back for food or a gate change. Most information is provided in English and other languages. Susie’s last adventure there went well, and the wheelchair person loaded us even on the train to Amsterdam. I did push Susie in the roller walker through Amsterdam on the brick sidewalks, switching with Corwin when I used my phone to find the hotel back in 2019.

I nearly called off playing board games as the sadness was almost overwhelming. Instead, I made a salad for dinner, adding blue cheese, stuffed olives, and grape leaf-wrapped rice (dolmades or dolmas) to make it special. Memories of Istanbul and travel opportunities came to mind while I ate. I did watch another Battleship New Jersey video on the use of cement on warships. I suggested we play the Dune Imperum board game, which was quickly accepted. I watched a How-to-Play video to be ready.

I left the dishes for Sunday (the house elves did not get to them), and despite feeling sad and my jaw locked, I took Air Volvo into the dark rain. The Saturday night trip included stopping at Trader Joe’s to get some treats for the holiday. I got a bottle of the pope’s wine (the popes are gone in France, but their vineyards are still there). The wine is excellent and, at $20, cheap for quality imported wine. I got some chocolate-covered pretzels (I’m forgetting Richard does not like sweat stuff). With these goodies, I headed to Portland by Air Volvo.

The traffic, slow from the rain and darkness (though you would think Portland drivers would be used to this by now), kept moving, and I arrived a few minutes early. I supplied the goodies. Soon, Richard, Chris, Shawn, and I refreshed our memory on how to play. We set up, and I did not fall behind in Dune until the last few turns. I was in last place with Chris, Richard, and Shawn all tying and then using Spice as the tiebreaker, and Shawn won. Chris skipped up five points in his play–impressive.

Dune Imperum is a Euro-styled resource management and worker placement game wrapped in the Dune theme. One of the complaints I have read is that the theme vanishes in the play, and I agree. I have not played the add-ons, but Shawn (an expert at the game) says the add-ons bring the game closer to the theme. I tried to win the first battles, and Shawn and Richard beat me every time. Later, the battles are worth more points. My fault was trying to do too many things each turn and spreading myself out too much. The other players focused a turn on just one objective or two at the most. I still think it is a good game, and I look forward to playing it again with the expansions.

Losing did not improve my sadness, and I did not want to cry and upset my fellow gamers. It was not about the game, so I left early before the second board game, which looked more like my style (not Euro). I was nearly sobbing; the rain was heavy, and the puddles and roads were filling with water. I was relieved that the huge “space shuttle” ramp (higher than the bridge roadway) was not flooded (nothing like a five-story tall ramp with a puddle). Air Volvo got me home safe. I decided to get a shake and fries from McDonald’s on the way home to help–comfort food. I started to sob while driving–never happened before. Home safe, the dark cloud of grief lifted some.

Then, I remembered that Saturdays were when I would spend the afternoon with Susie, and I was reacting to not spending the day (or half a day) with Susie, and I was missing that. The hole in my weekend (and my heart) was not visiting Susie. My mind wanted to spend a comfortable day in the rocking chair in Susie’s room, watching shows, listening to music, or just hanging out. Maybe a spin around Metzger Park. I missed the pleasant time with my wife. I was missing my now-lost life of visiting Susie.

I understood the problem now, and the grief, while still there, lightened.

I watched the Doctor Who special, Giggle, and can’t say I liked it. I thought it strange, not cannon, and I’m not sure whether a dance routine replaced a chase scene or a battle was an improvement. I will watch it again and see if it was just my mood, but I don’t think so.

I was tired and went to bed. Sleep game slow. I woke up a few times and did not rest well.

I am glad I recognized the issue and will be more mindful of the causes of sadness. I can feel it returning as I used to spend most Sunday afternoons with Susie. As I said, I will be practicing self-care these weekends.

Thanks for reading.