For me, some of the after-travel impacts take a few days to hit. On Tuesday, I was still dragging and then all the colors ran out of the day, but so slowly I did not first notice that I was sad and, well, depressed. I noticed that I wanted to do nothing and ignore calls, texts, and emails, not like me at all. I recognized that I was in a dark place and decided to pull out of this tailspin. Not by self-medicating with alcohol, painkillers (though a sore arm did have me take some, but light stuff), or other self-destructive behaviors. Instead, I read about Canadian crime, on my Kindle and made a pork chop with reheated mashed potatoes and some just passable asparagus steamed. Protein, carbs, and some green, perfect!
The decision to get better, taking a familiar and happy task—cooking and then eating some delicious food, brought the colors back into the world. It was difficult for me to do, as the depression pressured me to do nothing but sit in my house, but I got a ticket to a movie I wanted to see and just went at 9ish. Oddly, dear readers, it was you that got me to act; I did not want to write today that I just sat there sad and unable to act. I acted. I was happy at the theater, and all the colors in the movie bright lights, flowed back into the world. I am good.
I am not asking for help, but to record my experiences and to let others who fight depression and loneliness know they are not alone. It ain’t easy, and it sneaks up on you. I believe my fight is against the doom-scrolling world, grief, and finding purpose. I did not face depression when working; I was too busy, so this is another benefit of retirement: I can find myself at loose ends and feel guilty about it, and then get sad. I also am not getting enough exercise. Back to walking!
Returning to the narrative, I rose early to start the blog and traveled to Portland to play Mansions of Madness 2nd Edition, a horror-based semi-cooperative game. It was a sunny, cold morning, feeling more California than Oregon (no rain). Traffic was the usual heavy, everyone-to-work Tuesday (Monday and Friday still are lighter, even with most folks back to the office for the week). A small car had rear-ended a semi truck just before I reached that part of Highway 405, and I had a sudden lane change to avoid that. Next, a three-foot shrubbery was lost on the road on the bridge and reminded me of Monty Python as I avoided it. I was only a few minutes late, and James (who came from Washington State) appeared after me.
We played another scenario, and Richard’s ‘I must win’ took over a few times, but mostly we worked together. Both James and my characters went insane, but I managed to meet my extra game requirement and still won when we finally took down the final monster in a hail of dangerous spells and gunfire. My character was insane, but the additional requirement was met, so I was included in the win. James was not as lucky. Still, it was a fun scenario.
It is a new scenario; I thought it was well put together. We are almost out of scenarios and may start next Tuesday with the Tainted Grail hero-based board game. I have read mixed reviews of the game. I am willing to try it.
Aside: I learned that a replacement app can be used to create your own content for the Mansions of Madness 2nd Edition. I am interested in looking at it. Valkyrie is the software, and it may go that way. You will find it here.
I drove home without issue and found myself exhausted. Still, I made baked meatballs I purchased from Safeway yesterday, heated some pasta sauce from a jar I bought at the Olive Pit in California, and cooked pasta in boiling salty water for lunch. I enjoyed my lunch, but I was tired and soon rested. I nodded off for only a few minutes. I had not realized I was wearing a heavy sweater, while it was 70°F in the house.
It was a struggle to finish the blog. I was so tired, and every word seemed an effort to type. It was difficult to remember the day. I just wanted to rest. I fought through it and produced a decent blog.
I did take a trip to the local gaming store in Aloha, Guardian Games Aloha, and looked for Chicago—City of Big Shoulders, but they did not have it. They have Unconscious Minds, and that got my attention, but it was not a Kickstarter version (but for $60 instead of $230). Instead, I bought the newest role-playing game book from Chaosium, Gaslight Cthulhu Investigators Guide. It comes with a folded map of London from the 1890s. I have run one adventure in this setting, reworked it from the original material, and thought it was good (Sherlock Holmes setting, adding steampunk technology). I used the Savage Worlds base system with rules for spies and Lovecraftian creatures/magic.
As I said, depression seemed to flood me, and I could do nothing for a few hours. But, I remembered I had a defrosted pork chop in the frig, and rose to cook. The action of cooking and eating, as I said, brought me back.
I did the dishes, put away the laundry I finished (I left some towels for Tuesday), and was soon back to my usual busy self. I read the last part of my current book, and was right about the murderer. I completed that just as I needed to head to the Movies. This was a late, 9:20, and last-minute thing, so I did not invite anyone. The Amateur was an excellent adventure, revenge, and spy movie, and it reminded me of The Day of the Jackal, The Odessa File, and some of George Smiley‘s stories (the books), but it has been updated to now and set in the US CIA. One character joked that the main character wanted James Bond equipment, and later, you learn that the guy is a nerd and is better at tech than gunplay. It is like Q from James Bond on a real mission. The main character is not likeable, but you get on his side as you see that he is underestimated repeatedly, as he is a nerd. This appealed to me.
Now tired, after 11, I head to bed. I soon fell asleep.
Deborah texted and called me all day, each time the colors appeared back in the world. After so many weeks together with only a few days’ break, it is hard to go 50 days to the next adventure. But we are planning our Micky Mouse adventure (the mouse wants lots of ‘cheese’ and makes staying at the Grand Hyatt look inexpensive) and staying connected.
Thanks for reading.
Alohawild (Michael Wild's) Website 