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I woke before my alarm at 7:30 and was up about 7, making liberal coffee in the French Press. Soon, I was writing a long blog about Saturday as I watched the backyard witness the sunrise. Writing, I quickly tried to capture Susie’s concert and retirement party events in the blog. I record that I attempted to make the event feel more like a moving-on celebration than a goodbye. I think I was successful at that.

Today, I feel much more at peace, and my grief has changed; the tears still come easy, but the pain is less. It does feel like my life has restarted. It has been over five months since Susie passed.

Lately, I have been eating one piece of toast with reduced-sugar jam in the mornings. I usually do this when I take my meds. Just a few calories, and the taste is excellent. I have some toast to take a break from writing.

The blog was finished at about 9:30 in the morning, and soon, I was washing up. Next is the ritual of the suit. While not “the last suit you will ever wear” from Men in Black, it requires time and care. The suspenders must be put on facing out and over the shoulders without twisting. This attaches to special internal buttons you must request when buying the suit (or later added by good dry cleaners) and optional clips to the pants–I use both. The suspenders are hidden under the vest. Today, I picked the western ruby color. While I am not even close to looking like James West from the series Wild Wild West, I can at least have a cool vest like he had. I add the cheap vest pocket watch with the gold-colored chain. This has to be done after the shirts, ties, and vests are buttoned. Shoes, black plain leather shoes, go over grey socks to match the darkish grey suit. I complete the ritual without too many mistakes.

It is a more typical March day with blue skies and rain, not just mist, but the threats of heavier rain here and there. Thunderstorms would come later in the evening. Before the climate change, we had maybe one thunderstorm in a year. Now, we see them often. I pick the felt brown hat for the rain instead of the black dress hat. It dries out faster.

The church, First United Methodist Church, seemed chaotic today, as the preacher was back, and various folks were missing from illness or the local spring break. Dondrea was looking busy as she and the audio-video folks scrambled. Shawn called out the two-minute warning, which was mostly ignored. Soon, Dondrea walked to the front; you could almost hear the yell, “Places, people,” and the “break-a-leg” in the sudden silence. Singing starts, and folks march with palms. Soon, everyone who can walk marches through the church sanctuary waving palms; it is Palm Sunday. We make four or more circles.

Carson Baily, today’s liturgist, rocks the house by asking everyone to stand and greet people, but soon, the well-oiled Methodist Machine takes over, and we follow the usual program. Dondrea gets us focused again.

It is now Holy Week for Christians (Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday), and the hymns are familiar and easy to sing. Pastor Ken Wystma is back from a working vacation and has decided on a long story for the sermon today; pastors always want to go long on Holy Week. He surprised me by covering Jesus’s entry, remembered on Palm Sunday–we are sticking to Holy Week topics. He covers that Jesus rode a pack animal and/or a small horse–not riding in as a conqueror but as a humble prophet. Ken projects pictures of famous people on horseback, primarily white horses, and shows how these were political or propaganda statements. But Jesus was riding a lesser creature and projected humility. Something we should remember, Ken suggests.

Next, Ken points out that Jesus spends the next few days tossing out the money changers, threatening to destroy the temple (in this case, he was referring to himself), and then cursing a fig tree because it, like the temple, was not producing fruit. Jesus, in Ken’s words, was challenging the officials and pointing out what was not working.

Ken said that on his travels, he witnessed many political statements at the dinner tables, either left or right. The main direction was that everything was failing and worse than it once was in the past. It did not matter the political stance of the speaker–they were sure things were failing. Ken then reminded us that people have been saying this for years. There are scientific polls that show this over the years. But he feared that now many are tempted to do whatever it takes, the ends justifying the means, to save us. Ken said that if Jesus were to address the United States, Jesus would say we are focused on politics and not what is essential. “The Angel of the USA charges that you have forgotten to love each other and are divided. You must repent for the anger, be humble, and find your love for each other.” Echoing the letter of Revelations–my words, not Ken’s.

While an interesting sermon, it did, unsurprisingly, go on for quite some time. Other less patient folks and I think we need to get a red light for Ken after thirty minutes. But, again, it was good.

Soon, it was cookies and coffee. Susie’s concert cookies were served. Everyone loved them.

I left and met Rev Anne and Rev.Dr. Wayne at Olive Garden, and I had spaghetti and meatballs. The salad, as always, was excellent. However, the pasta was overcooked, and the meatball’s flavor was flat. Sad, they used to be the best of the best of Olive Gardens. Their cooks before the pandemic would make everything fresh and with extra hints of flavor here and there. Now, it was more industrial. I have heard the white sauces are still good, and the seafood items are also great. Anne and Wayne were happy with their food.

Anne and I discussed Ken’s sermon, and some of the conclusions above are based on her help. Rev. Anne gave Ken high marks, especially Ken’s placing the problematic story of Jesus and the Fig tree in the context of the passion story. Bravo.

I returned home and managed, after three tries, to get the grey suit to stay on one nice wooden hanger. I switched to more comfortable clothing. My pants are now falling all the time. My weight has not changed, but my shape, let’s call it, has. All that extra me is not in the right places to keep my pants on when I have two phones and a wallet in my pants. I am stubborn, a little bit cheap, and will wait until 240 pounds before considering new or revised clothing options. A silly problem.

I read, did some laundry, and cleaned up the kitchen. Afterward, I headed to Matt V’s house to play Dungeons and Dragons. We have been unable to play for over a month due to various travel and working schedule conflicts. Even then, one of us missed at the last minute. Which solved the issue of who’s character was assassinated. The person who missed character was assassinated. Part of the story today.

I play a lawful (very harsh and organized) and evil (the ends always justify the means), but I am powerful enough to raise the dead. I am also able to create undead. Our good folks’ characters watched my character and ensured I raised the character that died and did not create an undead version of the character. My character was conflicted as the undead would have followed orders better, but the good folks were insistent. As lawful, I am a team player and bow to their wishes. I am a cleric of War and not a nice Tolkien guy. “These dead guys are quite useful,” to paraphrase a dwarf in a famous movie. Maybe next time.

I don’t want to cover too much as this was Matt V’s story, and other groups are playing the same adventure. Our mission today was to slay the last pirate/assassin lord. We hunted down the assassin using various auguries and divination (imagine me as a spinning dervish going into a trance while spinning). Our bard beat the drum while I spun faster and faster. I saw the location of the bad guys in my spinning trance. Yes, it’s a problematic image.

Later, in a more straightforward image to imagine me, I cast various blasting spells in full plate and shield, with various enchantments to make me even more challenging to hurt. Most attacks fail against my armor–even cannon fire. Yes, I am a heavy-armored, blasting War cleric supporting my team. My enemies melt before me. No quarter was expected or given.

We defeated the bad guys and won the day. It was a hard fight. I headed home to start more laundry, do more dishes, and read for a while. I finally shower and sleep. I went to bed early again.

It was a good day of church, lunch, and Lawful Effective (what we call it) gaming. Thanks for reading.

 

I have waited a long time for this day to arrive. Mostly, it went according to plan, and everyone thought it was a great party and remembrance. It was a good day.

I was tired, so I wrote the blog on Sunday morning. I was tired, so I went to bed early and woke up early. I am incapable of sleeping in on most days—there is just so much to do. I finally started at about 6:30, rolling over a few times before that at the dread time of 5:30. Yes, the time change is still not completely accepted.

Returning to Saturday, I rose at 7AM with some anxiety–today was the day, as I said, I had waited months to reach Susie’s Concert. I started on the blog and wrote about Friday. I made coffee, liberal coffee from Equal Exchange, in my French Press. After locating walnut pieces and brown sugar to add to the final product, I cooked steel-cut oats in a pan. The ants are back in the pantry, so I added more ant-poison sugar liquid to a paper plate to feed them again. Sometimes, the ants come back, and you must redo the process to make them disappear.

I wrote a somewhat confused account as my emotions were complex. Time slowed for me as I planned to be at First United Methodist Church in Beaverton after 2PM. I dressed in casual clothing and drove north to some food joints. I was there about 11:30 and too early for Standford’s on a Saturday, so I picked Red Robin.

Today, I needed something that would not make me sick and would provide enough calories to get through this. So a burger and fries with an iced tea seemed the best fit. I was thinking about the concert, and my eyes were filled with tears. The waiter was concerned there was something wrong with the food, which was kind of funny. “No, all is good,” I said, or words to that effect.

I drove back from Red Robin, reading a bit on my Kindle as time seemed to slow today while eating extra fries delivered without request. They are soooo good. I usually have chili or a salad–no fries.

I assembled my suit with the suspenders to keep the pants on. My weight loss has the side effect of making all my pants fall off. I won’t update my garments until I reach my next goal of 240. I have reached 248 so far. I will try not to play gourmet chef this spring break, which is my bad habit when I have more time, but to get more exercise instead. I might bake some scones for the mornings, but I will try to avoid delicious pasta and cheese dishes. I will try to resist. I have stopped looking at the cooking section of the NY Times; resist.

This time, it is the black suit I dawn with a 1980s tie Susie would remember buying in Maryland at some mall in the now long-gone Structure stores. No pocket watch, just the tie and a grey shirt to not contrast too much with the black. When I bought suits last year, I selected black (plus grey and blue) as I knew this day would come someday. Sadly, I got to wear the black suit for another good friend’s funeral first, Cory’s, who passed just a few days before Susie.

Air Volvo was overflowing with boxes and items for the concert. I was there after 2PM in my suit (which meant my pants would stay on besides looking the part of the widower) and unloaded. Jeane helped me move the communion table and dress it up. Jeane then pinned some of the items to represent Susie (instead of her ashes), including her favorite hats, slippers, favorite Nikes, glasses, and her new ice skates. It looked great.

Shawn had 700+ pictures and movies playing on the dual projectors in the sanctuary. Barb C was correct; this added more to the service. Excellent.

I had two long tables, and I got help arranging items from Susie’s life on them. I wanted it to look more like a retirement party than a funeral. Everyone helped scatter the items. Later, Michelle V found Susie’s grading sheets from 1970 and read them to folks. The display was well received.

The Windows laptop computer I brought to play the video of Susie’s skating program in 1980 was bricked. For those not up on their computer speak, it would not start–as useful as a brick. I had to play Susie’s ice skating on the Apple I bought for emergencies. I forgot to check the Windows machine this morning.

I had no sign-in book for folks or ushers—I did not want them. It was more of a concert experience than a funeral. I found myself having something to do: greeting people and sometimes seating them. This was good; I got to see everyone and was the only person who knew everyone. It was quite a mixed crowd of Nike, skating, church, and gaming folks. I did not get a count, likely less than 100.

We started five minutes late; I sat with Mariah near the front to thank folks during the service. Rev. Anne Weld-Marten got us going and was surprisingly brief. She introduced Jack, who sang an excellent version of Goin’ Home with Ashley accompanying him on the piano. Thanks to you both!

Soon, John played a mix of songs that flowed into the next one without stopping. John Nilsen always surprises me with the number of notes he gets from the grand piano in the sanctuary. John, playing and smiling as he found new things and brought them together while he played, found The Beatles, Beethoven’s 9th (an Easter hymn for Methodists: 89. Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee), and his own music while playing fast and loud (my request). John said a few words and played another piece from his own writing. Thank you, John! See you in Michigan soon (18 May at Grace United Methodist at 2PM, Lansing). Susie would have loved the concert.

Rev. Steve Wolff-Lynn followed—he had come out of retirement to help. Steve recalled a few of his experiences with Susie, including how she took him to every bar in Beaverton to sample the local gin and tonics. Susie was head of personnel at the church for Steve’s first years there. Rev. Steve then said the words to send Susie off from the Methodist Book of Worship. We then broke and headed out.

As usual, some folks left, but a good number followed me; I had to lead to Wesley Hall, and there, the church had prepared no-bake cookies and grilled cheese sandwiches–Susie’s favorites. There was Methodist Punch (Fresca and lime sherbert) and coffee. Folks stayed until almost 6PM; the Nike folks love a good party. I bought a set of John’s sheet music, he signed it, and I commended it to the music department at the church.

It was an excellent party.

When the last guest left, I got help packing up and soon was headed out. The usual Methodist crew was cleaning up. The church did a fantastic job providing cookies, tables, and a friendly face for all our visitors. It was a good concert and felt more like a retirement party than a goodbye.

Air Volvo found its way back to the Volvo Cave. I carefully hung up my suit, and as usual, the pants fell off the hanger (why is it always like this?). A few minutes later, I found them at the bottom of the closet and put them on their own hanger. I headed out and watched the dreadfully boring Ghost Busters movie that just came out. It is a sin to make a dull movie. Apparently, word was out; there were few of us at the showing. The popcorn was good, and the middle of the film was good. I got my kid-sized water, as anything more significant means this diabetic will not make it to the movie’s end.

After returning, I was worn out and went to bed early. I was happy the concert worked and felt the weight and grief lift slightly.

Thanks to everyone who made the concert work, everyone who came, and those who thought about us on Saturday. See you in Michigan in May.

Thanks for reading!

It is a misty Saturday morning when I write this. I managed to sleep until 6:30 and rise with my 7:00 alarm. Yesterday, I was exhausted from preparing for Susie’s Concert today and attending a funeral for a friend. My emotions were all confused, and the day was hard on me.

Starting with the waking, I slept the night, woke at 6:30, and rushed to find my slippers and robe, prove hydration, and make coffee. My first Zoom meeting of a work-from-home Friday (Nike has required attendance in offices on Monday-Thursday) was at 7:00. This is the weekly staff meeting for our team and was run by my newly minted boss, Rajani. The meeting filled the hour, and I finished a banana with the liberal coffee made in my French Press.

The morning was short, and I attended more Zoom meetings on status and change control. Next, I dressed in a dress shirt and tie with a sweater over that. I boarded Air Volvo and headed to the area near my building, Swift, at Nike WHQ. I stopped by Fred Myers and purchased two sympathy cards. I signed one. Scott met me after 11 at Swift parking lot, and I boarded his jeep. I gave him a card to sign, and we headed to the funeral.

I had an early lunch of chicken nuggets at McDonald’s. It was something I could easily eat in Air Volvo and not get on my shirt. It was OK, and the upset tummy settled.

It is not my place to tell the story of another family and their loss. My emotions rose for Susie’s Concert the next day and for the family and their loss. Scott and I left after the service. Scott, following NAV, returned to the Swift Parking lot. After boarding Air Volvo, I returned to the Volvo Cave.

Aside: My colon was not happy with the morning, and I did struggle a bit during the funeral. I nearly ran to the bathroom but managed to resist. This, too, made it an exhausting day.

There were a few meetings left. The project was going on hiatus for a week after today and was wrapping up. It was a quiet day, the usual for Fridays.

I needed some frames for pictures, so I headed to Beaverton in Air Volvo and the Blick store. The traffic was light as Spring Break seemed to have started early. There I found what I needed. I next headed to McMenamins for dinner. It was happy hour, and I ordered a Ruby and a happy hour cheeseburger. Susie and I did not have much money left when we first moved here in 1996 and would splurge on a burger and beer at McMenamins once a week. So I decided to remember that and blew my calorie count.

I brought my Apple laptop with me, but I did not write. I just ate and tried to relax. I have not had a cheeseburger in months, but it was excellent. The side salad with blue cheese dressing was also a treat.

Aside: Yes, I come from a family of people who deal with stress by eating.

I paid the check, more than it used to be in 1996, and boarded Air Volvo. On returning to the Volvo Cave, I stopped by Guardian Games (previously, Rainy Day Games). They were clearing old stock with up to 25% off. The board game Stroganoff (named for the family, not the dish) was at a reduced price. I had thought about buying it before–it has good reviews, and now it is reduced, so I had to get it. I spent the rest of the evening reading and punching the game. The game is a resource-gathering game with some worker placement and rewarded actions. Much simpler than many I play and without the deck building or complex player board that has become the de rigor of Kickstarter games (I learned it was a Kickstarter). It looks like it would play fast. I am glad to have it and look forward to playing.

The theme of Stroganoff is to gather furs on the Russian steps. These become the currency to buy other resources and to achieve awards. The deeper you travel, the more options you will likely have. In Winter, you return, gather your riches, and compose new songs. There are songs to purchase with your experiences that are recorded as song points. It looks like fun, and the strategies will be complex.

The game uses lots of cardboard, and I think it could have been upgraded to include more wood and real coins. There is also no player’s aid. All of this is likely available online (it is, and even a rules update). I did look up the upgraded version (with all the extras), which is over $100 plus shipping. I like my$50+ copy!

After reading that and punching the game, I showered and went to bed early. I soon was asleep, the coughing slowing from the cough suppressant. My allergies are still enjoying all the Spring pollen.

Thanks for reading.

Today, I mainly worked from home. So I rose at 6:30 with some reluctance, but the 7:30 status meeting meant I needed to be going sooner. The last meeting is at 5:45 PM, which is a large bracketing. I did cook dinner in that bracket and finished eating dinner for the previous meeting. I also rested a few times.

So my alarm went off after I sat up in bed. I turned it off, put on my slippers and robe, and found my home office. The sun rose, and it was dark again in the mornings after the time change; as the sun rose, I could see that the day would be gray, and we had Oregon mist but no rain to measure. It is always strange to have blue in the sky and Oregon mist, but here in the Pacific Northwest, we just smile and know we live in a unique, wonderful place with rainbows and sunny rain.

I did not have to rush, and soon, hours of Zoom meetings took most of the morning. I finally washed up and dressed. I had coffee, a banana, and then one toast with jam to take with my meds. It was beautiful–when you stop eating sweats, some jam was a treat.

Scott is at Swift at Nike WHQ, and I will drive to meet him for lunch. We have lunch on Thursdays. We talk about work while eating at the cafe. I have the pop-up: chicken and tiny dumplings with veggies and mashed potatoes. Scott has the salad bar. I have been reacting to salad, so I did not do my usual salad with Scott. It is always good to catch up with Scott.

They are remodeling our workspace until next week, so I head back to the Volvo Cave. I arrive there without any issues in Air Volvo. The traffic is light; I suspect some folks took an early local spring break.

I spoke to Matt V on the phone. Matt (or M@) will manage my estate should the need arise, and I updated him on my paperwork and planning. We also discussed gaming items as M@, and I have been playing Role Playing Games (RPG) for years. We used to alternate running (DM-ing in RPG speak) games. I am thinking about playing with more groups (M@ liked the idea), but he suggested using Dungeons and Dragons and not Savage World. He uses a simplified set of characters for new players. Interesting. More to come as I think about the future.

And I am so glad to be thinking about the future and not worrying about HAVING a future. F**king brain tumor. I look forward to many years of playing games with M@ and discussing gaming plans with him. He is an expert gamer, and I seek his thoughts and advice. Again, it is good to focus on future fun.

I return to working in my home office. During endless status meetings starting at 3ish, I carry the laptop to the kitchen and do the dishes while listening to the meetings. I then begin to cook dinner. I boil water for pasta, open a jar of pasta sauce, heat it in a pan, and brown some sweat Italian-style sausage in another pan. All of this happened while I attended three status and process meetings.

I wash the pasta in cold water to prevent it from cooking and sticking together, then put it in a large glass dish. I then add some ricotta cheese mixed with dried parsley in dollops to the pasta. I tear up some good mozzarella and put that between the dollops of ricotta. Meanwhile, I combined the sauce into the frying pan of browned sausage. Let that cook for a while. I reserved a cup of water for the pasta, and I mixed that into the sauce (the water was salted, and thus, starch and salt were added to the sauce–an improvement). I carefully pour the boiling sauce with sausage onto the pasta and cheese. I tear up more mozzarella and sprinkle with bread crumbs. I baked this for about an hour, adding hot water to the sides of the dish once to keep the pasta wet.

This is a revision of the same scratch-made sauce and cooking the pasta first recipe from the NY Times. I would say that the pasta was overcooked, and I should use uncooked pasta and add two cups of water next time. Still, it was good. Corwin liked it. I think the jar sauce was a good upgrade. More to come.

I took out all the trash and recycling that had piled up in the house. I was happy to get it out of the house and into the container, and I was glad to see that it was gone on Friday morning. Just more chores that need to be done.

At 7AM, I took a nap after eating all that pasta (which was not good for me–but it was sooooo good); I rose for Theology Pub on Zoom tonight. Today’s topic was justice and avoiding unintended consequences when seeking justice. We had seven of us on Zoom, and we talked about many things and some early Christian Father’s writing on the sources of evil. I got to quote the pagan Hesiod on justice, how the world was created by Zeus (in his story), and what he intended for us of the Iron Age. I will be loaning out my translation of Hesiod. We concluded that justice is found in the community. Jesus was building communities and churches–it is about us together.

We finished around 9, and we all enjoyed that chat. We ended the Zoom meeting. I then started on the blog. I am feeling a bit better about the future and the surgery. Meeting with friends and talking about God and justice seemed to help.

Thanks for reading!

I am tired today, and it seems like a hard day. I had to work on a few items for Susie’s concert. Tears came and went. I also rested briefly and was fast asleep in minutes to wake up too late for a meeting, but they did not need me, so it worked out. I decided to take next week off as the project is shutting down next week for local Spring Break. I was planning to hoard my time off, but it will be a wasted week, and I just can’t do a find-work week.

I woke just before my alarm at 6:25. I was up late the night before writing the blog, and the day before that, I was traveling from NYC. Self-inflicted.

With Susie’s Concert coming this weekend, I see the approach of my surgery, and to be frank, I am scared, and I am having trouble accepting the suffering I face. Brain tumors–f**k. It makes the days harder, the dread.

The air is full of pollen again, and I am choking and coughing all day. This, too, wears on me. I am working from home as I have items coming up for the concert and a package to pick up.

After the initial status meetings, starting at 7:30AM now, I cleaned up and dressed. I boarded Air Volvo and headed to the post office. It was a short wait there to get a large box. When I opened it at home, it was full of packing peanuts, with the expensive books carefully wrapped and stored in the middle of the packing: Leonardo Da Vinci: The Madrid Codex Facsimile Edition. A birthday present for myself. This version comes with an Italian and English translation. I am happy to have a copy of the master’s work. After carefully unpacking, I looked through the books to ensure they were intact and worth the investment. They were excellent. I put the set in my office.

The meetings continued. I cooked chicken for some dinner in the future. I boiled the chicken thighs (boneless and skinless), baked them, and then boiled them with North African spices. They are quite good. I put them in zip-lock bags and will likely have chicken for a few days. While that was cooked, I ate a leftover pasta dish I made a few days ago. It was improved with time.

I did a few more work meetings and then rested, and as I said, I slept by accident. My day ended, and I soon headed out with some laptops, sticks, and games. I showed the pictures and Susie’s ice skating video to Z and Dondrea. They think they will be great.

Z and I played the board game The Lost Ruins of Arnak again. Z was tired and did not remember how to play, but Z soon found the way. Z could have won had Z followed up at the end, but next time, I am sure it will be hard for me to win. Andrew joined us when band practice started. I like the game with three players, and Andrew, who is new to the game, liked the mix of theme, complexity, and deck building with resource management. We played the base version with all the corrections and additional cards. I picked the basic easy game, which worked out for the best.

The Lost Ruins of Arnak is a favorite, and I like the theme of the Hollywood version of archeology in South America. The deck-building game mechanic is also a favorite; combining it with a strong theme and resource management makes it fit my favorite type of game. Another favorite is Concordia, which fits this model, too.

Z was happy to be playing games again. I was happy for the distraction.

I headed home after that, had some toast, and wrote this blog. Thanks for reading. I am falling asleep while writing, so please forgive my mistakes.