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Today started at 5:30, as I woke up and could not get back to sleep. It was slow going and too early. I found the kitchen. I opened a can of peaches, spooned out half, and made a bagel-like bread product, locally produced, with cream cheese. I made liberal coffee in the French Press–the taste reminded me that we have a new Speaker of the House, someone I can’t stand (but I wish him well and hope he can make it work). I was in my office early, logged into Nike (my Nike laptop had to restart for some patch), checked emails and Slack messages, and reported my return to work at Sedgwick.

Returning to old habits, I popped into the shower at 7AM and soon was dressed and in Air Volvo. The Thursday traffic towards Nike WHQ was thick, and I did wait for a school bus. I arrived early despite the traffic. I started my usual ninety minutes of status and process meetings. I managed just one before folks came to me to welcome me back and to share their love and friendship. Some have recently experienced a family loss, and we shared our experiences. I spent most of the morning reconnecting and sharing. A second breakfast waited for me (food is provided to the test teams, and we are included in that group by default).

I arranged for the time off (and later tonight ordered the air flights and rental car) to visit Zerida in Texas. I promised to see her when I could, so I will be there on the 10th for a long weekend. It’s just an all-star tour of in and out, but it is what I can manage. It will be great to visit with Zerida.

Today, I found lunch at McDonald’s (skipping the taco salad supplied as I needed a break), Dad’s fav of two cheeseburgers with fries, and then returned to work and talked to people and shocking some folks by telling them about Susie’s death. It was exhausting. I mainly felt disassociated (like in a dream), and at one time, I felt like I was having an asthma attack (because I was–the inhaler helped). While I have had bad days at work, none felt like this: A marathon to think clearly and hold back the flood of emotions.

I did one last meeting, and there I had to answer many technical questions (details cannot be shared here), bringing me back to myself. I understood and could respond to these things and felt more like myself. But I had reached my limits. I left at 3ish and drove home in light traffic.

My No-Knead bread was bubbled and ready for the next step; I popped it out of the bowl, some flout sprinkled on me, and a mat let me form it into a ball, and I placed it on towels, also floured to rise for two more hours. I tried to read.

In the mail was a letter to Susie’s family from the Lakota boys and girls at St. Joseph’s Indian School. They would pray and include Susie in masses at the school. I cried and cried after reading that. The storm, not a tide this time, of emotions hit all at once. It hurt, but I am glad they wrote and will have a mass with Susie’s name.

I rested, and I slept; I was exhausted. I woke to Susie calling “Mikey.” I was likely snoring, and she used to wake me when it got bad. She was not there when I looked for her. I then remembered. It did not hurt this time; it was nice to dream and hear Susie’s voice.

I started to assemble an N-scale building for Richard for the board game Suburbia first player marker. I have to figure out a way to light it. I think I can mount clear plastic over the windows, paint them inside white, and then install some LED lights and coin cells. The model is strong-built, so it should work as a playing piece, and I can cut an opening to put the cells into the building. I am still trying to work it out.

I reheated the pasta and meatballs I made a few days ago in the microwave. I watched more of the latest Mission Impossible movie on my Apple Computer. It is so long I watch it in pieces. For the bread, following the process, I popped the dough, now risen, for my loaf in a preheated Dutch oven. The bread came out 45 minutes later and was perfect, if a bit plain.

Aside: This is the NY Times No-Knead Recipe, but plenty of recipes exist.

I then went to write the blog in the office.

Thanks for reading.

After playing board games with Z, Andrew, and Sean at church, I returned to the house. Z and I play while the chorus and band practice on Wednesdays. Z and I started on Istanbul, a resource and economic board game, and then added a third player, which Sean started, and Andrew finished for our second game. We played the base game and expanded to three players in the second game. I won both, but economic and resource management is my thing. I am back in the office writing a blog for today. My office is now reorganized by Matt, and my model-building stuff is here now. I will move the figure painting stuff to the office soon. I am grateful and happy to return to model building and figure painting. I have waited years to be back to this.

Before taking Air Volvo back to the house, after playing games, I met Z and Dondrea at the church. I brought Susie’s blue wool coat and a hat (and a cool hat box), a matching blue, to give to Z. The cape/coat fit well, and the hat looked perfect with Z’s blond hair. The hat was purchased with the then Las Vegas-based Weis family when we met after yet-another-SAP-computer-convention Las Vegas–It was worn just a few times, and I am happy that I held back the hat and coat for Z. The cape/coat is from a purchase in the 1990s in Annapolis, Maryland. Enjoy Z!

Before this, I arrived early at the church, walked down to Avia Coffee, and got a grilled ham and cheese plus three cannoles separately boxed. I shared those with Z and Dondrea. I felt like we were in a cheap mob movie, “Yes, godfather, I brought your favorite cannoles.” They were excellent.

Before this, I was at the house looking at my 1945 version of the IJN Yamato, the largest battleship. This will be my first construction project to find my way again. I ordered some replacement parts. I already have etched brass replacement parts. I ordered gun barrels and wooden take overlays. I have three recently published books on the ship. Only recently have we gotten good sources for IJN Yamato. I have to get paint and various other items. It should be an easy build for me. I will do minimum rigging as it is 1/700 and only 14 inches long. Less is more at this scale. I will not do the usual last moments of the IJN Yamato diorama, even though it is just a water-line model, but have it join my soon-to-grow 1/700 fleet.

Moving back, I traveled to Beaverton food carts and had a terrible order of fish and chips with a beer. I wanted to get lunch instead of reheating something. I took Air Volvo from the house to the carts and back.

Matt arrived at 10AM and reorganized all the models and figures into the cabinets we moved in last week. He moved the models from the garage to the office and got everything orderly. We also took all of Susie’s clothing in six bags to First United Methodist Church. These will be sorted and shared with the local shelters. Being so small, Susie’s clothing will be shared with the shelters that service local kids. One more gift from Susie to the community. Yesterday, Susie’s coats, three heavy and huge bags, were added to the local coat drive and soon should be helping the greater Portland area. While it makes me cry, it fits our liberal beliefs to give it all away.

Matt and I loaded a spare dresser and drawers into Air Volvo and took it to Goodwill. My old bathroom cabinet also was sent to Goodwill. Matt was done at 1:30PM, and I did not have more work planned. Thanks, Matt! We did all I was good to manage. Excellent.

Aside: If you have like tasks for Matt, he would love to hear from you. He has retired and is looking for a good workout and a chance to bring more order to the world. Contact him or me, and you, too, can experience the ultimate in friendly organizing.

I started my day at 8ish and found a breakfast of instant oatmeal and liberal coffee. My goods from King Arthur Bread company arrived. I replaced my dated yeast and poured it on my roses. I mixed up a rising no-knead bread recipe (18+ hours). I put away the other items until later.

I wrote a first draft of Susie’s obituary, which I will edit again on Thursday night, and then talked to Barb and Leta to get some details from skating and Susie’s early life. I received some excellent replies on Susie’s celebration. We will start setting a date and then work out the logistics and schedule preparations. I am waiting for my new Apple laptop, which shipped today from China and will arrive 2Nov2023. Someone has already offered to purchase my old M1 13″, so it looks like it already has a home.

It is so strange not to see Susie today–my day seems incomplete and discombobulated. I did have a quick call with Leta and Barb (Susie’s mother and sister, respectively). I did not call Leta back; she had to ring off, but we will connect on Thursday.

Well, it is past 11PM, and I am back to work on Thursday morning, so I think I will stop there. Thanks for reading.

It was a rainy day all Tuesday with only breaks with Oregon mist. The forecast suggests a clear weekend; I think the weatherperson is just trying to give us some hope. I wrote the blog the night before, so I had a more leisurely morning and was ready at 10AM when Matt V showed up. I made a pot of coffee and had instant oatmeal for breakfast before Matt arrived.

Matt could do the morning, and he stuffed Susie’s clothing in large lawn garbage bags. We reserved cool shirts that might be made into quilts and/or pillows to share with Susie’s greater family. Coats, which became three large bags, are headed to a local coat drive for the winter. Finally, there were six full bags of pants, shirts, suits, etc. These are headed to local shelters in Beaverton through our church. Matt V and I will deliver them to First United Methodist Church on Wednesday. Susie thus supplied nine huge bags of clothing to help folks in Beaverton!

We put the underwear, socks, and other items that cannot be sent to the recycle bin. Also, a mass of hangers were recycled. I emptied the drawers and found a picture Susie had put in a drawer to keep it safe.

Ben, Leta, Barb, and Susie in a photo taken for the Faith United Methodist directory picture. I put the small photo in a frame in my office.

Matt also vacuumed and found the floor of some of the closets. It being Matt, he ordered all the pair hangers in order and grouped them by color and type.

While Matt did most of the work, unloaded all the coats, emptied their pockets, and put them back in the bags, I worked on paperwork and plans for later. I sent Susie’s celebration party plan email and will follow up with folks soon. Once we agree on the idea, I will set dates.

I connected with insurance and sent an image of the death certificate to insurance. They have sent the payment, and I am waiting for the bank to see it. My new Apple will be here the first week of November–it is specially assembled in China with maxed memory and solid-state storage. From what I can read, it is twice the power of mine, an original M1 13″, an Air Book, and not my usual heavy Max Pro. For the first time, I will have a 15″ screen–pure luxury. I ordered black, like my second Mac that I loved so much.

Aside: Apple has been supplying a migration tool from one Mac to a new one; thus, I have had one image for over ten years. I just load my stuff using their tool to the next platform.

Returning to the narrative, Matt headed out just this afternoon and will be back on Wednesday. I drove to Red Robin in Beaverton and had lunch and a beer, a Stella–Susie’s fav. I selected the two enchilada chicken breasts and salad. I ruined the low-calorie count by having a side of french fries.

After an excellent repast, I returned home, got the mail, paid bills, and did some Nike paperwork. I paid another of the final bills for Susie. I rested for a short while and then started to cook dinner.

I made jambalaya by cutting sausage, browning, and adding a can of stewed tomato. I let that cook for a while. I then open a box of seasoned rice, let it heat momentarily, and add water. I then made a mistake; I did not cut the heat after the mixture reached a boil to cook the rice without burning it for twenty-five minutes. I discovered the mistake and dumped the non-burned rice into another pan, added water, and simmered it. For the mess, I poured water on the outside of the bottom of the pan to stop the burning. I set the pan in the sink to soak filled with water. No loss, and the mess came off without issue–just saved. Any time the rice is done, pour water on the bottom of the outside of the pan and then stir, and it will not burn.

Dinner was good–I saved it. I watched the newer Mission Impossible Movie on my Apple as I love the chase scene in Rome. The movie was on while I was cooking, and I suspect that is how I missed the rice step. I did not add any seafood this time as I had too much going on to remember it.

I checked, and the movie A Haunting in Venice was still on and cheap on Tuesday ($6.75), so I headed to Beaverton to see it again. The popcorn was $7.50, more than the movie, and was delicious. The movie was perfect, and I can hear Hercule Poirot in my mind again; “The little grey cells” were happy. The movie is a reworking of an Agatha Christie story, now reset with a scary theme. There are even jump scares. Excellent.

I took Air Volvo home. I decided to stay up and write the blog tonight to make the morning less rushed.

Thanks for reading.

I woke early and rolled back over. The alarm at 8 went off, and I delayed until before 8:30 but finally climbed out of bed. I had trouble sleeping. I had a two-hour chat with an Internet personality who called me when hearing about Susie, and it was pleasant and distracting. It was hard to sleep after that, and I had made some tea, and that did not help me find rest. I finally was asleep before 2AM, and thus, 8AM seemed early.

In the morning, while I was making coffee, liberal coffee, of course, and found my last banana, I was called by Threadgill, the funeral folks, and they had Susie’s ashes and death certificates. I called them back, and after being rerouted to the office (one of the folks was on her way to burial, so they asked me to call the office), I scheduled an appointment to see them at 1PM. This brought the grief for Susie’s death back, crashing into waves and tides of emotion. I cried about every hour today, maybe more often.

First, I dressed, entered Air Volvo, and traveled to the Portland OHSU cancer clinic at Good Samaritan. The extra-legal driving and fascinating lane changes were a bit amusing. Drive the wrong way on a One Way is usually a disaster, but we Oregonians just smile our passive-aggressive emotion and ignore it. The confused driver turned off before anyone got hurt. Nothing to see here! I arrived safely and with some extra time.

While I waited, I finally made up my mind, and I ordered a new Mac, an Air Mac, all in black, as the one I am using now is having issues, and I am afraid I might lose it. The new Mac ain’t cheap, but I think it will be suitable for a while. Once I complete a transfer, and after a few months to burn in the new one, I will have the older Macbook repaired and erased. I usually find a good home for my used laptops; it was the cutting (bleeding) edge in April 2020.

I have a new Doc; he is very young and did a great job, and I have no cancer detected. I have one wanky blood test result–possible kidney issues–but we will see. I am a bit stressed and was surprised that so many labs were normal. My blood pressure was high again; it had been fine for months–again, stressed out, I think.

Overall, excellent results, no cancer, and a new scan in four months. I headed out and took Air Volvo out of the parking garage using the free pass they give you when you leave–it is essential not to forget that. It is $5 an hour otherwise. I soon reached Beaverton and found Swaggart Indian Food. I had a lovely lunch there–I ordered the chicken lunch tray.

Off to Threadgill’s now. They soon had the paperwork and a plastic container (Susie’s ashes) in a nice bag ready for me. We talked for a while, and Ron likes, from my previous visit, to talk to his customers and make lots of suggestions. So we talked for about twenty minutes. I was impressed by the speed, order, and professionalism while seeming like a hardware merchant or a candy store cleric from another time. Threadgill also gave me the six certificates I paid for (three short and three long). I would recommend Threadgill.

I stopped by Salt and Straw and had an ice cream, which I ate while Air Volvo took me home to the Volvo Cave. The scoop was full of nearly whole peanut butter cups, reducing the amount of ice cream–I would not order that again. Still, it was ice cream, and there was no bad ice cream, and like Ron suggested, I had ice cream with my wife. Tears came often, but I felt a bit better.

Reaching home, I found the mail had arrived. I put Susie’s Ashes on the curio cabinet beside Ben’s flag (Susie’s dad has been gone for a while). Next, I called the insurance to see if a picture of Susie’s death certificate would do (otherwise, it is snail-mail). I sent a picture to Segdwick for my leave request, which will likely be approved after I finish it–growl. I am waiting for Susie’s IRA paperwork to appear in the mail–they need an actual death certificate.

I shaved and then changed into my black suit with a vest and a pocket watch with a chain. I wore the homberg hat and black leather shoes to finish the look. I drove to the cemetery slightly early–I wanted to get the shock over. I cried a lot in the first fifteen minutes seeing pictures of Cory Johnson, often smiling and meeting with his family and friends we shared. It is hard as they try to comfort me, too. There are so many emotions with losing both Cory and Susie in the same week. It was standing room only, with the middle school football team standing along the sides like an honor guard.

While I cried often in the service, it was not long but loving, and there was a reception. We gamers stayed together and chatted. Jennifer, Cory’s wife, visited and gave us all hugs. Everyone liked that I was all dressed up like a 1920s person–Jennifer said Cory would have loved it.

After an hour, we all migrated out and said our goodbyes. I was not as sad as I was, and the tears for Cory are more thanks and missing than grief–Our Dungeons and Dragons Paladin goes ahead of us. He was one of the good guys and will be missed.

Air Volvo got me back to the Volvo  Cave in light traffic, and I soon got some frozen Italian-style meatballs in the oven, heated water for pasta, dumped a jar of premade sauce and heated it in a pan, and soon assembled dinner. I watch an old Fourth Doctor Classic Doctor Who on my Apple while cooking and eating–comforting. I was dragging, and I wanted to rest a bit. I also had enough of talking to people for a while–it was an emotional day. The dinner at home alone was good.

Finally, I sat down and wrote this blog and will watch another episode of Sandman–I liked it even as a repeat.

Thanks for reading!

Today, I started at 7AM, rolled over, and started twenty minutes later. It is Sunday, and I want to return to First United Methodist Church, Beaverton. Mine and Susie’s church since we moved to Oregon in 1996. I would need to practice thanking folks for their concern and saying the words we always have to say, “Thank you.” And while it sounds like I am not thankful, which is not the case, it is an arduous and dreaded task. But, the voyage I am on without Susie cannot be avoided and must be experienced. So I start the day dragging and getting coffee made, liberal made with Equal Exchange brand ground coffee and a banana. I then write the blog.

Describing Saturday, it takes most of the early morning to write. The sun rises, and I see it is another grey day, but the mist is gone today. I had decided to wear my new grey suit, pocket watch, homberg hat, and black shoes. Soon, a quick shower and the usual things are completed. I remember to take my meds. Being from the East, I find wearing a suit a comfort and feel better with my armor on. Everyone will see the grief, and I prefer the suit to a sloppy T-shirt to show I am together. I put on my best for my first outing.

Church is unchanged, with many friends happy to see me return today and everyone surprised–I had not warned them beforehand–and the same service I remember. I walked in with a visitor, and I was unprepared to handle that, so I found another to greet him. I would make a hash of it, and with everyone reacting to me, he would be lost in the shuffle–so I got him away from me.

The music was good, and I enjoyed another sermon from Pastor Ken. Ken was doing the hardest bible verse, Acts 5:1-11 where Sapphira and Ananias die for lying to Peter. A harsh moment in Acts. Pastor Ken said this was about God holding us to our promises and his plan. He parallels today and how we must not forget ourselves and do wrong things. The horrific actions in the Middle East are an example of this. Ken said he is rethinking if he is doing everything he promised and suggests we all reconsider and reframe our perceptions, asking if we are doing what we promised.

After that, I talked to folks for a while and then headed to Elephants Delicatessen in Beaverton, recently opening in the place that used to be the German place. I had a BLT and a soda. It was great. Next, I did Powell’s Books in Beaverton and bought a few mysteries on special.

I felt unwell and tired. Not depressed, but terrible. Air Volvo took me home, and I carefully removed my suit, put it back on a hanger, and then crawled into bed. I had a tumult of dreams, and sleep came and went. I was exhausted–grief is exhausting, a new learning. I finally rose after 5PM. I called Leta back in North Carolina. It is Susie’s Uncle Gene’s 90th birthday party today, and she told me all about it. It is the first party Susie and I have missed in years, and nearly everyone in Susie’s family is there. Leta said to me that all the kids are grown. It was good to connect.

I finished Charlotte J’s meatloaf dinner, heating it in the microwave. I watched some more of the first season of Sandman. I like it and wanted to re-watch the first season. I spent part of the evening watching three episodes.

Aside: Cory Johnson would always ask me what I was watching when we met at his house to play Dungeons and Dragons. Cory passed away just a few days before Susie. I will attend his service this Monday. Not only do I miss Susie, but I also often think Cory would do this gaming thing and then remember he is not with us. I will miss you, our paladin. You can learn about Cory here.

I started then on the blog.

Thanks for reading.