Blog

For me, some of the after-travel impacts take a few days to hit. On Tuesday, I was still dragging and then all the colors ran out of the day, but so slowly I did not first notice that I was sad and, well, depressed. I noticed that I wanted to do nothing and ignore calls, texts, and emails, not like me at all.  I recognized that I was in a dark place and decided to pull out of this tailspin. Not by self-medicating with alcohol, painkillers (though a sore arm did have me take some, but light stuff), or other self-destructive behaviors. Instead, I read about Canadian crime, A Better Man: A Chief Inspector Gamache Novel (A Chief Inspector Gamache Mystery Book 15), on my Kindle and made a pork chop with reheated mashed potatoes and some just passable asparagus steamed. Protein, carbs, and some green, perfect!

The decision to get better, taking a familiar and happy task—cooking and then eating some delicious food, brought the colors back into the world. It was difficult for me to do, as the depression pressured me to do nothing but sit in my house, but I got a ticket to a movie I wanted to see and just went at 9ish. Oddly, dear readers, it was you that got me to act; I did not want to write today that I just sat there sad and unable to act. I acted. I was happy at the theater, and all the colors in the movie bright lights, flowed back into the world. I am good.

I am not asking for help, but to record my experiences and to let others who fight depression and loneliness know they are not alone. It ain’t easy, and it sneaks up on you. I believe my fight is against the doom-scrolling world, grief, and finding purpose. I did not face depression when working; I was too busy, so this is another benefit of retirement: I can find myself at loose ends and feel guilty about it, and then get sad. I also am not getting enough exercise. Back to walking!

Returning to the narrative, I rose early to start the blog and traveled to Portland to play Mansions of Madness 2nd Edition, a horror-based semi-cooperative game. It was a sunny, cold morning, feeling more California than Oregon (no rain). Traffic was the usual heavy, everyone-to-work Tuesday (Monday and Friday still are lighter, even with most folks back to the office for the week). A small car had rear-ended a semi truck just before I reached that part of Highway 405, and I had a sudden lane change to avoid that. Next, a three-foot shrubbery was lost on the road on the bridge and reminded me of Monty Python as I avoided it. I was only a few minutes late, and James (who came from Washington State) appeared after me.

We played another scenario, and Richard’s ‘I must win’ took over a few times, but mostly we worked together. Both James and my characters went insane, but I managed to meet my extra game requirement and still won when we finally took down the final monster in a hail of dangerous spells and gunfire. My character was insane, but the additional requirement was met, so I was included in the win. James was not as lucky. Still, it was a fun scenario.

It is a new scenario; I thought it was well put together. We are almost out of scenarios and may start next Tuesday with the Tainted Grail hero-based board game. I have read mixed reviews of the game. I am willing to try it.

Aside: I learned that a replacement app can be used to create your own content for the Mansions of Madness 2nd Edition. I am interested in looking at it. Valkyrie is the software, and it may go that way. You will find it here.

I drove home without issue and found myself exhausted. Still, I made baked meatballs I purchased from Safeway yesterday, heated some pasta sauce from a jar I bought at the Olive Pit in California, and cooked pasta in boiling salty water for lunch. I enjoyed my lunch, but I was tired and soon rested. I nodded off for only a few minutes. I had not realized I was wearing a heavy sweater, while it was 70°F in the house.

It was a struggle to finish the blog. I was so tired, and every word seemed an effort to type. It was difficult to remember the day. I just wanted to rest. I fought through it and produced a decent blog.

I did take a trip to the local gaming store in Aloha, Guardian Games Aloha, and looked for Chicago—City of Big Shoulders, but they did not have it. They have Unconscious Minds, and that got my attention, but it was not a Kickstarter version (but for $60 instead of $230). Instead, I bought the newest role-playing game book from Chaosium, Gaslight Cthulhu Investigators Guide. It comes with a folded map of London from the 1890s. I have run one adventure in this setting, reworked it from the original material, and thought it was good (Sherlock Holmes setting, adding steampunk technology). I used the Savage Worlds base system with rules for spies and Lovecraftian creatures/magic.

As I said, depression seemed to flood me, and I could do nothing for a few hours. But, I remembered I had a defrosted pork chop in the frig, and rose to cook. The action of cooking and eating, as I said, brought me back.

I did the dishes, put away the laundry I finished (I left some towels for Tuesday), and was soon back to my usual busy self. I read the last part of my current book, and was right about the murderer. I completed that just as I needed to head to the Movies. This was a late, 9:20, and last-minute thing, so I did not invite anyone. The Amateur was an excellent adventure, revenge, and spy movie, and it reminded me of The Day of the Jackal, The Odessa File, and some of George Smiley‘s stories (the books), but it has been updated to now and set in the US CIA. One character joked that the main character wanted James Bond equipment, and later, you learn that the guy is a nerd and is better at tech than gunplay. It is like Q from James Bond on a real mission. The main character is not likeable, but you get on his side as you see that he is underestimated repeatedly, as he is a nerd. This appealed to me.

Now tired, after 11, I head to bed. I soon fell asleep.

Deborah texted and called me all day, each time the colors appeared back in the world. After so many weeks together with only a few days’ break, it is hard to go 50 days to the next adventure. But we are planning our Micky Mouse adventure (the mouse wants lots of ‘cheese’ and makes staying at the Grand Hyatt look inexpensive) and staying connected.

Thanks for reading.

I rose with my alarm at 7ish, and sunrise woke me earlier, but I managed to sleep longer. I walked out to the kitchen and found a liberal pot of coffee joy. I poured a cup and made some toast by cutting off a bit of the wheat flour loaf I made a few days ago in the bread machine (I stopped buying bread and instead I make it). I use King Arthur Flour Company flour, milk powder, yeast, and grain mix in the bread machine. I purchase it online and pay shipping at a flat rate of $15; their online prices are lower than in the grocery store. The bread machine is the cheap Amazon version (about $70). While flour is not cheap, I think it must be more affordable to make your own, but adding in the machine’s price may still be more expensive than buying. I think I will break even if I make bread every week or two for a year (I have made about ten loaves, so that is likely $9 each using simple math and cost for ingredients).

Economics and cost of living have moved up in my thinking (as they continue to increase) as I watch the debacle caused by the tariffs. The demand that interest rates be lowered has also surprised me, as the same folks who said the rates are too low are now saying they are too high. Being retired and thus having no paycheck and no Social Security until next year, I must live on my investments, dividends, and interest this year, plus savings I accumulated these last few years. I do not think Trump-style shocks to the Markets or economy will benefit me. The red-hat folks bounce from one extreme (higher rates) to another (lower rates), and cheering on dismantling fifty years of free-trade institutions (tariffs) will produce good returns, which is unlikely, I think. But I accept that Trump won and that he gets another chance; I will watch, try not to wince, and grab some more popcorn.

To be clear, I prefer policies based on income growth for mid-to-low-income families and stabilization of basic costs (gas, food, homes, rent, utilities, and so on). I believe free trade lowers prices and improves goods, services, and fiscal instruments. From what I can see, Wall Street and many corporate folks don’t like it as it pressures them to produce better and cheaper products.

But I digress. The blog is about what I am feeling and experiencing; these thoughts are on my mind more. Returning to the story…

I wrote the blog, spoke, and texted Deborah to wish each other a happy Monday, and did my usual morning things. The liberal (i.e., fair-traded) coffee fueled my morning. The blog was done in the late morning. I dressed and headed into Safeway.

The soaking of beans for today’s chili was missing from yesterday’s blog. I bought a few kits from the Women’s Bean Project, and I planned to make chili today for lunch. I have mentioned this group before; during the pandemic, they were the only folks I could get dried beans from, and I like their products as they help people and are also good. It’s a bit more money, but the handwritten note on the box stating who packed it tells you that you helped someone by using these beans and seasonings. Today, I was using the Firehouse No. 10 Chili package. I soaked the beans overnight.

I followed directions (mostly, but used 1/2 the amount of onion), boiled the beans, and then simmered. I shopped at Safeway and got the items I needed to finish the chili (now buying the cheaper items–see above). The meat manager all but handed me a ham, $6, and was all but putting them in people’s carts. I called Corwin, and he later stopped by and got two cheap ones. These are the plain, not spiral-sliced, hams. I somehow got my bill to just under $90 and two bags. I self-checked out and flagged a security check.

I had dropped a set of apple sauce single servings and had to put the singles in my bag after scanning the barcode on the broken paper holder. The self-checkout then played a movie of me playing stuff directly in my bag. Yes, I was caught by AI! The store staff had to watch the replay of the possible crime and approve each moment. The staff was annoyed as they were busy talking about family matters (not watching me) and had to stop and worship the AI with a wave of their passcard.

It was fascinating to me. The video had a green box over the bag I loaded the items into. I suspect that had I pocketed an item, it would have directed it to my person. Exciting. Having been approved, I paid and was allowed to take my items to the EV. I will eat the apple sauce slowly, now enjoying every AI-tested bit.

Back at the house, I unloaded my approved items and chopped and assembled the chili. I used the jars of instant stock (I saw it being used in New Orleans) and hot water instead of buying what is mostly water in those boxes. The taste was the same (and was much cheaper–see above). It was not too spicy and had a nice flavor. I had three bowls.

I sent a note to Corwin and he was over after work and had a large bowl and raided some of my frig pickles. I learned I was right that he had finished the asparagus pickles. We chatted for a while.

I headed to Wildwood and talked to JR for a while. He is often there on Mondays. His son was married there on Sunday in a big party. We had a few beers. They have a pay-it-forward board where folks can buy a beer for someone. There was a colon cancer survivor line for $25 on the board, and I used $15 for my drinks (leaving $10 for someone else to use). We talked about travel, politics (we don’t agree on much), and beer; an excellent mix.

I also read more of Pastor Ken’s book, now through chapter 3. I sent a few comments.

Deborah spoke to me before she went to sleep. It is always good to open and close our days together.

I had a few beers, smaller ones, and read, and then headed home.

I was still tired from Sunday’s pancake breakfast. Between things, I also did the laundry on Monday. I read for a while and was soon asleep again, around 10:30.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

It has been a year since I was laid off on April 20. It was the date my career at Nike ended, albeit with a massive package and two years of salary, insurance, etc. I remember this Monday as a work day. I did not even think about it on Sunday as it was Easter, and Z and I had pancakes to make. I was tired after that and stayed home, passing on various Easter Dinner offers. But there was a slight hint of melancholy on the anniversary day.

Looking back, I wish I had enjoyed my retirement longer. I do not think there was an opening until the layoff with its package appeared in my life, but I do not miss corporate life, and wish I had left it sooner. I remember having to do nearly impossible computer things with insane deadlines and swollen budgets invented by managers with sights set on higher office. The managers, directors, and vice presidents always assumed credit for success (I only had one project fail in all my years at Nike). The budget excess found a home with a wink and a nod in another failing project. Status meetings were often early or late to include other time zones. I am not missing my work at a multinational company at all.

Nike’s HR asked me to reconsider my departure due to my brain tumor. They wanted me, and it was kind of them, to put me back on the payroll and take medical leave instead. The recommendation was to let Nike’s generous leave policy cover me during my recovery. I took the layoff package and turned down an HR VP. It all worked out.

I enjoy owning my day and jealously protect it from volunteering possibilities. I have noticed that retired folks exchange one busy life for another. I want to do some new things and something different. I choose to travel, write, and play board games. I did take a church position that takes some focus, but I guard my choices.

With the passing of Susie, colon cancer, and surviving a brain tumor, I will try to enjoy life for a while.

Sunday started with me waking to find Deborah’s ‘Happy Easter’ text. I rose and found my laptop on my work table in the fireside room next to the kitchen. I woke early, pushed the start button on the coffee I had assembled the night before, and started on the blog. I had only an hour to write. I managed to get 3/4 of it done before I had to stop, time-boxed, and hopped into the shower. I did the usual things. Today, I put on a pride tie for Easter as it has all the Easter colors and a good message for the holy day. This is with a white shirt, dark blue slacks, and green sweater vest.

I loaded the cooled ham and butter. Yesterday, I put the grills and other items in Air VW the Gray’s cargo hold. It is a quick trip, and Jack lets me into the First United Methodist Church of Beaverton, where I start to unload. Dondrea and Z (Z is head of Hospitality at the church; anyone over 13 is considered a member and can serve on most committees, even lead) appeared, and we assembled the kitchen for pancake cooking and ham reheating.

I showed the secret electrical plug in the drawer, connected a short extension cord to it, and started up one grill. This was a shock to Methodist folks, as apparently, the knowledge of this plug was lost in the various personnel changes. I just smiled. The other two plugs on the other counter were also a surprise. My two grills and one borrowed were running after a quick wash.

Z and I soon updated our skills and made it through some practice pancakes, and we got out the ham for a taste. We thinned the batter, remembering it looked thin, but then the cakes thickened and worked. Our first ones, failures, were not cooked in the center, but looked good. Yikes!

The ham was well received. It was roasted at the house and then reheated with foil to prevent it from becoming pork jerky. I bought a cheap ($31) ham because the flavor is not overly done or too salty—just ham. I did not glaze or use cloves, as it would not be presented, but disassembled and served. I first put it out, but the ham was not coming apart as easily as I hoped. We had to slice it in the kitchen. I will have to get a larger one next time, as that would make it easier.

I let others serve, set up tables, decorate, and all of that. I find it best to let others take over, as these are Methodists. Methodists love to set up and arrange meals. It’s best to let them go. Soon, everything was ready.

Z and I raised a pile of pancakes with only a few takers. We had more workers than customers, but eventually the workers ate, and others showed up much later than the 9:30 start time, but it all worked. Z and I just made more hot pancakes. Hot food was always on top, and the heat radiated to the other food. Putting the new stuff on the bottom would have been more de rigueur, but the process would more likely make a mess. We just stacked ’em.

The food was good, and we had about twenty to thirty customers. We had one distressed older man who looked homeless and was angry, but seemed to like the company and the food. His hands shook, and he was pretty rude. But he liked the food, and I think he resisted enjoying himself. He was mostly ignored, but he never crossed any lines, and I never thought him a hazard. He attended the church service, and we could hear his voice here and there. He was from a more evangelical background and did not like the bilingual service. The last time I saw him, he was waving his hands and clearly unhappy with the service and experience. But he left without incident.

It is not the job of Christians to judge: He got breakfast, I brought him coffee, and we let him go with his complaints. Happy Easter!

This year’s sermons were less serious and focused on the joy in the Easter text in John. Our Pastor Ken and the Pastor of Principe de Paz (a group that also worships at our church in a Spanish service), Enrique Caldera, gave a message. Dondrea ensured the service ran according to plan and gave an Easter prayer. An egg hunt followed, with Dondrea discovering she was running that, too. A squirrel joined in and was last seen running away with a blue plastic egg.

We had cleaned up the kitchen, and I could head out. As I said, I demurred when offered Easter Dinner. I returned home, unloaded, and froze a few spare pancakes (according to the NYT, you reheat them in the oven). I soon stumbled into the bedroom. After an hour of rest, I sent a note that I was not joining dinner and made a salad for lunch. I include many olives from the Olive Pit I bought on my trip back.

After considerable effort, Deborah and I connected my iPad to her run of Matlock, and we shared/watched another episode. Deborah was catching up with her laundry and cleaning after spending a weekend together while we watched. I still like the show and speculate in my mind where it is headed. In this episode, we learned a few more things that should have been obvious, and my mind drew paths of possible solutions. Deborah rang off and headed to bed.

It was late afternoon, and I started on something I wanted to do all day. I rolled the bed out of the office and folded it. I sat at my desk and found it still like May 19, with even a church bulletin from that day. This was the day before my surgery, and Linda was using the office as a place to sleep during my recovery.

I grabbed my laptop, plugged it in again on my desk in my office, and started picking up the area. It was like waking up after a year. Here was the office I had set up, and I had one day left to get better—time to be better and enjoy this.

Somewhere in this story I finished the blog on Sunday.

It was dusty, and things were thrown here and there, but a coaster from a breakfast in Texas and postcards from New Orleans were still where I left them. The program from A Midsummer Night’s Dream 2023 is still saved. I felt welcomed. I was back home, though a disheveled home. Easter, April, and spring are all times to start again, some of the melancholy left, and the laptop was left in its usual place, plugged into its landing station (sadly, the fast cable is lost and my internet connection is still slow, but I will replace it soon). The backup drive is now plugged into the landing station.

I was tired, so I made dinner of baked beans with freshly made wheat bread. Then, I watched the first episode of Doctor Who’s new season. It was fast-paced and well put together, and I was surprised by the storyline. I would recommend it. And he wears a kilt for the first part of the filming, got to love that.

After that, I headed to bed early, 10PM, as the time zone change and workout in the kitchen started to slow me down. I soon slept, reading first, waking at 2, and then again before sunrise. There were pleasant, but forgotten dreams. Thanks for reading!

 

I rose after 7. I was still confused about what time zone I reside in. I started by reading a text from Deborah—she wishes me ‘good morning’ most mornings in her time zone while I sleep. I soon found the kitchen; it had not moved, and the coffee pot was full of liberal joy (fair-traded coffee). I took some mashed potatoes, chopped some onion fine, and added that and milk to the mix. I then broke an egg and beat all that together. I fried that in butter, and I remixed it when it got brown/dark. I opened a can of peaches and included half of them for breakfast; the rest went back in the frig. I stole some ham from the church ham that I started to bake while cooking breakfast. The potatoes needed salt (perfect for me), and I enjoyed breakfast.

I next started on the blog. I wrote about my first full day back in Oregon, Friday. I also did my usual download transactions into Quicken, many of which are still from my travels. I checked the news, but it was dark and not liberal. I spent a few hours writing.

I was still tired, I put away the laundry, did the dishes, and watched the gray and rain turn to a chilly sunny day. The wind, from the high desert, was cold, almost brutal without a coat, but the sun was hot and warm. I walked on my lawn and marveled at the blooms and roses with buds. The China rose was already blooming; it is always the first and last. The story of the rose is interesting: Wikipedia. My rosemary is blooming, and the local bees are happy with it.

I saw in the transactions that the earthquake insurance was paid. It is just under $700 a year, and insurance is now a significant expense for the house.

Natala was bartending at The 649, and soon I had a beer and was reading Pastor Ken’s manuscript. I read the introduction, ending, and first two paragraphs. He asked me to look at the flow and how to make it more approachable. I will read the first five chapters and see what I can suggest.

I sat outside and inside; when I got cold, I would change locations. I had soup, later a quesadilla, and two red ales. I left mid-afternoon as I could not shake the cold. I took Air VW the Gray back to the house.

Earlier, I had unloaded most of the games from the cargo hold and loaded cooking grills (I have two). I am helping to cook breakfast before church on Easter. I had cooled the ham and put in in the frig with plenty of tinfoil. I will take it with me on Easter morning. I crawled into bed and got warm again, nodding off a few times.

I rose before 5, put on my shoes, and boarded the EV. Traffic through Beaverton was slow as the unexpected sunshine brought people out. There was some slowing on Highway 26 inbound to Portland, but nothing unusual. I soon arrived at Richard’s, and Lauren was there, too. With Kathleen arriving a few minutes later, we had a four-person game.

Another Kickstarter had come in for Richard, and we were the first play (though Richard had played an online version) of Stupor Mundi, a deck-building and resource management game, with the usual over-the-top implementation from a Kickstarter. You build a castle for yourself with lovely 3D pieces. It is also a race-like game, like Concordia and Istanbul.

I was keeping up, but soon Richard flew to the top with Lauren chasing him. Kathleen was at the bottom until the last moment and pushed one point ahead of me. I came in later, but I liked the game and would want to play it again.

With the game over and Kathleen now with a car, I headed home. The night was dry, and the drive uneventful.

I was soon home, plugged in the EV, and in my PJs. I read for a while and soon fell asleep.

Thanks for reading.

I woke after waking and sleeping in different ways for my first whole night back in Oregon. I seemed to be confused about what time it was. But California seemed to have embraced its northern neighbor; it was sunny and warm!  I rose after 7, a pot of liberal joy having been prepared before I went to bed, waited for me. The fair trade coffee tasted hopeful. Despite the damp dew on the grass, I was happy to tour the backyard in the sunny morning in my PJs, seeing all my flowers, and hearing the birds singing and the insects buzzing. I opened the doors and turned off the heat. I was dreaming of Lala Land: here.

I opened the suitcase and my gym bag—my usual travel carry-on—piled clothing into groups and started The Machine. I had put aside my spare pants, shirt, socks, and underwear, which I carry in the gym bag (in case I need a change of clothing), to wear today. I planned to spend the morning and early afternoon writing and doing laundry. And that is what I did. Not very exciting, dear reader, I am afraid.

I added to the dishes, Corwin had cared for the orchids, checked the house for me, and left a few. I always tell him to take advantage of any food he wants in the house. The can of olives from the Olive Pit in California fit that bill.

The mail was delivered, including everything held. I send a letter to the post carrier when I am on a trip, and that works well with a redelivery day on my return. A book on Jutland (a reprint of a 1920s book, but sadly without the maps), the 5E Lord of the Rings role-playing game (RPG) newest book, and various bills and updates. My IRA is being invested, and I get lots of paperwork. While a bit overwhelming, getting this paper is a sign that your investments are being appropriately handled. No paperwork or wrong paperwork is a bad sign.

My second load is shirts and pants; I am happy to remove some dampness. Dress shirts can dry on the hanger. Soon, the load was done, and it was nearly 1:30, so I took Air VW the Gray to BJ’s Brewhouse for lunch. I sat at the bar, and while the food was good, the bartender was hard to deal with and spoiled my meal. I will avoid him next time and take a table.

I stopped by Safeway and got a spiral-sliced ham for church on Easter. We cook breakfast at 8ish, and ham will be served with pancakes. I got syrup and butter (but that will not be needed as Dondrea also got some). I saw a few nice steaks and got them.

When I returned home, I read some of the 5E LOTR RPG book, which was also a bit of a disappointment. The adventures were very basic, and the text repeated some material I already had (!). This was more of a supplement than the cutting-edge and complex Moria book they published before. Still, it is always good to read more extra-canonical LOTR material. The Moria and Shire books were fantastic. Someday, I will get to run a 5E LOTR-style Dungeons and Dragons campaign.

I lit the gas grill and dried it out; this process removed spider webs and other debris. I then let it cool off. I cleaned up the grills, but the metal still needs more care. I put out one of the steaks I got at Safeway with salt, pepper, and a meat rub.

I talked to Deborah on and off during the day. We are still getting used to returning to a long-distance relationship, and I keep looking for Deborah here. Though I know she is not here, I still miss her. We spent two weeks together in California in March and a week in April. It is fifty-one days until we meet in California again for one of Deborah’s work conferences. Deborah and I, after getting depressed with joint doom scrolling and other unhappy subjects, instead focused on the next trip, and I scheduled my flight to California. This time, I am not driving to LA. Been there. Done that (EV driven from Beaverton to Long Beach and back).

I boiled and mashed potatoes, steamed carrots, and grilled the steak. Some rust stuck to my steak, which annoyed me. I will clean the grill again! Still, my meal was good.

Pastor Ken asked me to look at his new book. I started to read some, but I was too brain-dead from the trip to make that work. Running the laundry was about as complex a task as I could handle. I managed to get the dishes in the dishwasher, run it, finish the laundry, process the mail, and only nod off once.

I sat on my deck for dinner and caught up on my YouTube channels, Battleship New Jersey and ShipHappens. One mosquito showed up and tried to bite my arm. Somewhere, there is some stagnant water, as we seldom see this. Hmmm.

By 10, I was tired and soon crawled into my bed and tried to sleep. I woke a few times, but finally, I slept until the morning.

Thanks for reading!