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I am writing this now Thursday morning and slept in. This is my first break from chemo in two weeks, and I will spend the week trying to find the strength, literally in some ways, to do one more cycle. This Cycle 3 has included a trip to the ER and exhaustion. I knew it would be hard, but having allergies at the same time has made it much harder. The last cycle will be challenging too, but it is the last one, so anything that goes hard is just part of the voyage to get to the calm water. I am sure the cataracts of this last section of the journey will be impressive, but they are the final risky parts of this adventure. I am steeling myself and might have to watch some clips from the movie version of Henry V.

Returning to Wednesday, I was up and going at 8ish. I managed to sleep through the morning. The side effects are slowing, but I did have to take a laxative as the anti-diarrhea meds work too well.

I manage my morning routine, but I now have bananas and some excellent baked goods from Wholefoods to munch. I am excited at 10 to take the four chemotherapy pills and to see precisely four left. I managed to avoid a missed dose this cycle! Today, Wednesday is day 14 and the last day of chemo!

The nervousness and exhaustion rebound as the pills do their poisonous work; I feel weak and terrible. Evan wants to see Susie and maybe play a game, so we agree to him getting to the Volvo Cave about noon. I manage to dress and be ready.

Evan and I get to Forest Grove Rehab and Care Center without incident and pass through the Covid-19 prevention rituals. The facility has been blessedly free of Covid these last two weeks. We find Susie just finishing her lunch.

I have brought Susie flowers, and the nurses and aides are helpful and get us chairs; lunch is finished, all the other residents at the tables by the nurses’ station head out. So we have Susie to ourselves.

Susie is fatigued and wants to rest, but we managed to get her a call to her mother, Leta, on FaceTime. It makes them both very happy. They spend some time talking about Leta and Barb, Susie’s sister, coming on Friday late and seeing them this Saturday.

Susie asked to be put back to her room to rest, and Evan and I headed out to lunch. We will be back after that, off to the Grand Lodge.

I still can’t afford to get Covid-19, flu, cold, or anything nasty now, so I wear a mask. I am the only one, and we get to see our waiters’ faces for the first time in about a year. Although, after learning I was doing chemo, my waiter, Sophia, offered to get a mask for her, I demurred. I ask the staff to just keep their distance. Sophia seeing that delivering food and drink puts her too close, tried her best to be fast. It is the best I can hope for.

I have a Captain Neon burger, my fav with blue cheese and bacon, and their soup. The soup was nothing to remember. I take about twice as long to eat now, but the burger is terrific.

We return to the facility and are waved through the restrictions as we already passed them, but we do the mandatory hand washing. Susie is in bed now, her voice is clearer, and she seems more relaxed.

We spent some time with her, and she was delighted to get us twice. I am getting weaker, and Susie is often yawning, so we leave to let her sleep.

In Air Volvo, I nearly run a red light when a truck pulls in front of me and then runs the light. I was watching the truck, not the light. Evan calls that out to me, and we get to feel the steel welcome of Volvo detecting an event and locking us into our seats. Nothing happened, but Air Volvo was ready. I do love my XC60 Volvo.

Evan and I headed to The 649, which was busy even having just opened. We got our table and played a board game, Unsettled. This is a cooperative game from Vancouver, just across the river in Washington state, and involves trying to explore and survive a strange new world, SciFi gaming. I know the game designers and they consider me a part of their greater team, I am flattered. I did update their Discord with my pic below and some comments.

We get some drinks; I have Grand Marnier, heated over a class of hot water and a cup of fresh coffee. I don’t mix them, just sip them. Evan gets a drink too. But we soon are lost in the complexity of the newish game.

We make a few rules mistakes, but we are getting fortunate with our breakthroughs and unique planet opportunities; we are getting the good ones! We might have lost track of time once or twice, but we still manage to win with plenty of endurance. It feels like the first time we really have won Option A for the first planet. Next time we will go with Option B, a totally different storyline, but still on the same planet.

I have to admit that I nearly threw in the towel about 1/2 through the game. The fatigue comes and goes, but the sipping of Grand Marnier and the coffee seem to control that well. I might need a bottle of that for Cycle 4! Also, the game is immersive and challenging, with every turn and choice critical. I could not just stop.

We finish the game, winning, and I notice that there is almost no room in The 649 and our bartender, Stephen, has a line for drinks is nearly out the door. Some folks are masked, and others are not. The place is overloaded, and I am back to masked and slightly panicked. This is not safe for me anymore. I wave to Stephen, and he will just add a 20% tip and automatically close my tab when he has a free moment. We leave.

I am tired and get us to the Volvo Cave. I make grilled beef and cheddar sandwiches for Evan, Corwin, and myself for dinner. I use the rustic bread, have to cut it myself, and heat the sandwiches in butter on the pan. The secret is to pour some water in the pan and cover as best as possible to let the steam cook the sandwiches (steam can be hotter than 212F and reach the insides of food fast). The trick is to not soak the bread. If the bread is adequately buttered and grilled, it will repel the water. It makes a better sandwich than you will get anywhere.

I have some excellent pickles I slice and serve. I took the slightly damp one. Next time I will also butter the bread on the pan side!

I then say goodbye to Evan, collapse, and sleep deep in bed for two hours.

The kitchen looks like it has exploded, but Corwin says he will handle it.

I find it is 10PM, and I take the last four pills of Cycle 3. And then can’s sleep as I just woke up, and the poison that is chemo has to work. So I finally slept about 1:30AM.

But, we should cover some Spring topics.

The rosemary outside, the remains of my herb garden of twenty years ago, is blooming and fantastic. It is one of my favorite plants, and I recommend new homeowners plant it as it needs no care in the Pacific Northwest. Also, you can impress your friends by asking them to cut some fresh rosemary when you are making dinner. So foodie!

Mister Lincoln, the last new rose, was just a few tiny sticks when we got it, and we got two blooms the previous year. This winter, it has thrived and is now a small bush ready to explode into a huge plant. When I planted the three tiny sticks last year, Corwin provided me with the hole; I was not sure it would live. It is a modern tea rose, resistant to black spot disease and growing on its own roots. It is currently out-of-stock from my local rose providers; see here.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

I was up at 5AM, slept a good six hours, and felt good. The side effects were all calm, and I did not have the fatigue and nausea from the day before. I started on the blog and wrote a more expansive blog. Allergies and asthma came to make me cough and blow my nose non-stop.

Corwin came home about the time I started. He had fallen asleep on someone’s couch and walked home once he got going again. Then, he went to bed to catch some more Z’s before he had to work at 11ish.

It is the second last day of the cycle. Just 16 pills to go. Four tablets are taken on every 10 on the clock.

I take my pills, and the crushing nervous exhaustion returns. Yes, it is the chemo that is making everything so hard every day. I make, from a can, New England Clam Chowder for lunch. I shower and dress, forgetting to do the Urea cream for my hands and toes. I will notice that my fingers and toes are more numb all day. I applied the cream again in the evening and noticed an improvement. How strange, but I will try to be more disciplined in applying the Utter Smooth product.

Corwin gets going and has a ride to work.

I head to Forest Grove Rehab and Care Center at 3900 Pacific Highway, Room 44A. The traffic is still heavy and strange from Spring Break. This is not improved by the construction that has lanes closed here and there. But this trip in Air Volvo is without alarms or having to avoid any extra-legal lane usage from my fellow drivers. I did see smoke blowing out of a muscle-car window that was not tobacco-based. Nice to see folks able to relax during Spring Break as the intimidating chevy drove slowly and without the usual bravado.

On relaxing, Nike reported its results, and the stock then returned to its usual rocket-like upward climb. It is always lovely to read headlines that say, “Dow is up, lead by Nike.” I have been watching some more Bloomberg and the yields on the US ten year continues to head up. The chaos of the war and the inflation numbers are making the markets unpredictable, well, more so. Crypto is showing up everywhere now. FOMO seems to be the leading force here. But many folks claim it is more of a libertarian wish for a pure currency that is not government-controlled or centrally controlled, which is certainly true of some Crypto. Except Crypto is an asset and not a currency to the USA IRS, despite some countries trying to declare Bitcoin their currency. Crypto has many inefficiencies due to being an asset. I have not returned to my Crypto Coinbase account to make any FOMO investments, but I did reactivate it. I wish those willing to invest in Crypto well and will watch on the sidelines for now.

Returning to our narrative, Susie was happy to see me and wanted to leave and go home again. So I took her for a quick trip outside to enjoy the 60F sunny day and in the garden. The cherry trees are blooming now. The daffodils are still going strong. The following flowers, tulips, are a few more weeks away, but we can see them growing.

Susie got to sit in the lobby today and call her mother, Leta, on FaceTime. We also called her sister Barb who will be here with Leta on Friday, and they chatted for a while.

I could feel the fatigue building, and I had to do some shopping, so I needed to leave before I was staggered. Susie wanted to go with me but said she would stay.

I drove to Wholefoods and did some shopping. Only a few folks, like me, wore masks, but distancing is a habit still in place. I got bread and fixing for a nice dinner. I got lunch meats for sandwiches.

Air Volvo arrived home, and I took my few bags, $129 worth, and Corwin helped me put them away. I covered lunches now for a least a few days.

Corwin also cut up the red and green peppers I got for dinner. I cooked pasta orecchiette and wilted the peppers with sliced mushrooms in another pan. I browned and crumbled Wholefoods bulk Italian sausage in the pasta pan after the pasta was cooked and washed with cold water to stop the cooking (I don’t need a blob of pasta). I took ricotta cheese, mixed some dried parsley (I forgot to get fresh), and one egg. I then assembled an unstructured baked pasta.

I did this by pouring some store-bought in a bottled sauce in the bottom of a large glass dish, already sprayed with anti-stick spray; I added shredded generic mozzarella cheese, then some meat, then some pasta, some ricotta, some sauce, and then some wilted pepper, and sadly some undercooked mushrooms (next time!). I then made another layer of the rest of the ricotta, added more of everything, and then finished with a layer of the usual mozzarella on the top. Baked on 350F for 40 minutes or so. I had leftover pasta that will have to find another use soon.

It was good. And, I am wiped out. I can barely stand now. I have overdone it. But, at least I did something today, and the other side-effects do not resurface.

Aside: I used stupidly expensive pasta from DeCeeco. Somehow grabbing the bronze-drawn version called Orecchiette no. 91. Bowties are cheaper, and I don’t think it matters when you bake them.

I read more and finally slept about 12:30ish. I managed to sleep most of the night with only two proofs of hydration needed.

 

Sunday to Monday night was a mix of sleep and events. I was awake at 4AM with nausea, and my stool went from loose to near explosive at the same time. I was happy that I got about three hours of pure sleep, but the challenges were manifold when waking. I took an anti-nausea med that was good for 12-hours and managed the other symptoms when I awoke again, more rested at 8:30ish, getting more sleep, with more medications.

Aside: I am feeling better this Tuesday morning, so the blog is more expansive.

After that, I have very little memory of the morning. I had to count pills later that day to check that I had actually taken my chemo meds! I have a vague memory of Corwin leaving for work. He was actually up in time to walk to work which was good as I was not ready to drive with the new meds and the possibilities of a total failure that best not be described.

I can be the worst forgetful professor, and I was surprised that I cannot recall most of the morning on Monday. I will see if this gets worse or if it is an event from taking the various meds. I used to forget what was for lunch, and I often put work entirely out of my mind until I returned the next day. It is a survival skill for a computer architect at the shoe company! So this might just be me instead of more chemo-head.

I do remember that I was feeling drained and very unsettled. So instead of finding lunch, I ordered on GrubHub a sandwich and soup delivered from Panera Bread. I wanted a chicken salad sandwich and French Onion soup. It appeared just afternoon. Thanks to Natasha and Jason for the GrubHub card.

I was then going to get dressed, but I was suddenly crushed by chemo drugs and took a short rest of an hour and was then able to get a shower and get dressed. All the side effects seemed to be finished with me. So, while not feeling great, I climbed into Air Volvo, froze until the 72F setting and the seat and steering wheel heaters settled, and drove to Forest Grove.

I am driving slower in Air Volvo, and while my reactions are good, I am still surprised by the traffic. It is the first no-lock-down Spring Break in two years! Folks are on the roads with the kids, I realize and decide that slower is OK.

I arrive in the late afternoon at the Forest Grove Rehab and Care Center found at 3900 Pacific Highway, Room 44A. I pass all the Covid-19 rituals to gain access. Susie is happy to see me. Susie is in bed and resting after being up in the wheelchair for the morning. She is having a better day and recovered from yesterday’s panic. I can feel the exhaustion returning, but I manage to call Susie’s mother, Leta, and she and Susie have a friendly chat on FaceTime. Susie is much more tired and oddly talkative. I only understand some words, but Susie seems relieved and happy to see me. After the third yawn from Susie, it is time for me to either sleep in the chair or head home while Susie sleeps.

I head back and still drive a bit slow in the strange Spring Break traffic pattern. Air Volvo arrives home, and I am tired but not staggering. Better.

I read in bed; I am still cold all the time, and the blankets help. If I fall asleep in the chair and let my head fall back, I get cold air into my throat, followed by a sudden unpleasant waking and simulated throat close-off from the extreme cold sensitivity. So best to nod off in the bed while prone!

I am no longer brittle from the chemotherapy, and my hands can handle the monster-sized book, The Words That Made US. I wanted to read the footnotes, and I find this best done, still, from a hard copy of a book. Unfortunately, Kindle has not yet worked out a good process for this and maps.

I return to this popular legal work from a Yale professor and one of the great scholars, Akhil Reed Amir. I am just to the point of the Declaration of Independence when I return to this book. I am excited to return to this book as I am hopeful it will deal with slavery, it does, and the archaic writing style of the author is a pleasure to read. Most books are written for high school reading level, not this one. But, the writing is clear with the seldom-seen usages and words not distracting from the text but adding a bit of flair to the often dry subject of words. One would almost think the author is celebrating words.

The book does not disappoint, and I have trouble putting it down. I have reached page 169, and the author is covering the strenth and weaknesses of the Articles of Confederation. Again, while usually a boring subject, the author makes it interesting and often brings in quotes from the folks living these times to illustrate his arguments. Finally, the author is a lawyer and professor and often states his opinion, which is refreshing to have the author be more than a reporter of facts. The author states his sources and usually has lengthy footnotes.

Returning to the narrative, Corwin and I had decided to head to Chang’s Mongolian Grill for dinner tonight. It has re-opened for dinner. I wear a mask, as are all the staff. We are almost alone, at first, and Corwin and I enjoy making our dinner from the raw food and then having it grilled. Tea and pancakes are at the table. As usual, I wash my hands after getting my cooked food. Not just for Covid, as the process has exposed me to a lot of raw food, and thus I always wash my hands.

The place gets a crowd soon, with most not wearing masks but respecting those who are masked. Social distancing is still respected. It is Spring Break Monday, and groups are coming in with kids. As this is a Mongolian Grill, their ventilation is good. Apparently, the grill is a big hit for Spring Break.

Before arriving for dinner, Corwin gets to take the wheel of Air Volvo to travel to Chang’s Mongolian Grill, and we practice some lane changes. I explain how to properly change lanes as Corwin goes for a more racing lane change at first. Then, I get across that the blinker and the slow just drift to the next lane are done to allow the other cars to react. I also point out that if you don’t see the car, at least by going slow and clearly signaling, they get a chance to miss hitting you.

Corwin almost tested the airbags, but I managed to get him to stop before he pulled out in front of a truck on 209th. On the better side, he could stay in his lane better, and his reaction to stop lights was good. His turning still needs work. He did park Air Volvo perfectly this time.

Later chatting, Corwin was concerned that the near-accident would have been fatal for us. I pointed out he is driving Air Volvo, and it is nearly impossible to die in that SUV. Air Volvo airbags are tripped on side impacts, and Air Volvo has window-side airbags. Had he pulled in front of the truck, instead of experiencing a car crash, it would have been like being trapped in a giant cannoli flying down the road sideways, and we would likely have been unharmed. And Michael would then be looking at the new hybrid XC60 model at the dealership. I think I would stick to the same color.

I drove us home. Which was good as two cars simultaneously cut me off at low speeds, and I managed to drift behind them and change lanes at a very close distance which shocked Corwin. Spring Break, indeed! And, I, too, avoided being trapped in a giant cannoli.

At home, I went back to reading. I finally put down the heavy book and slept. I manage to sleep until 5AM, when I awake fully rested. Nice to be back to waking in the early morning!

I also managed to stop a new nightmare. I dreamed I could not see. I could only find my way by hand, feeling the walls. Then, one hand can no longer feel the wall that should be there. I have one hand that is now feeling cold stone walls. I still cannot see. I am not in my house anymore! All I have is one wall. Do I now continue to walk with the one hand following the wall and find what happens next? Do I let go of the wall and wander blindly without my hand as a tether to the wall? Did I hear something? I refuse to have this dream and manage to scare myself awake.

I cannot sleep with the lights off when I am seriously ill. The darkness scares me. Something left from childhood and also a product of a powerful imagination. The light stops the nightmares for me, and the scary dreams will come if I am ill.

So many reasons to be happy and awake so early, before sunrise in the dark.

 

It was a difficult night with only a few hours of sleep. I woke in the late morning surprised that it was already 9ish. I like to get going early on Sunday so I can write the blog and head to First United Church in Beaverton. But, that was going to be difficult with such a late start.

I manage the blog and breakfast. I take my pills on time before 10AM and then rush to the shower. Rushing, I manage to be out the door before 10:30, the time church starts, but being late is better than not making it, I tell myself.

But, there is a call from a familiar number. Susie has called me with the help of the nurses. She is in a panic and tells me, “she needs me.” I promise to head to her, and instead of turning left towards Beaverton, I take a right on TV Highway. The traffic is still more than usual light traffic for Sundays; many people are out with the restrictions lifting for the pandemic. My new course takes me about thirty minutes.

Without incident, I make it to Forest Grove Rehab and Care Center at 3900 Pacific Highway, Room 44A. I am quickly passed through the ritual that I do not have Covid, exposure, or symptoms. This week is the facility is officially Covid-19 free.

Susie is in the area near the nurses’ station. She is in a panic and talking non-stop when she sees me. Some words I can make out. Susie says she is not good and that her voice and eyes are not working right. She asks to leave and go home. She begs to return home just for a day or two days. Susie wants her normal back, and it is heartbreaking.

Susie does not know where she is or why she is there. She has memory issues, and the sameness of every day at the facility does not improve this. Susie has the staff in Forest Grove help her call me when she panics.

I spent two hours with Susie and took her outside to see the daffodils. She is calm when I leave, yawning, and ready for a nap. We do manage to connect to Susan’s mother, Leta, who spends a tearful time talking to Susie and finally helps to calm her down. It is a hard day for Leta and me.

I head to the Mexican place to have soup, Tapatio Mexican Restaurant. The sudden changes in my plans, the chemo meds, and the stress have left me unsettled. Their tortilla soup is almost too spicy for me to eat. Perfect! Coffee to drink as I still cannot drink anything cold. I find my center and my various side effects from the chemo give me a break.

I finally managed to put some gas in the Air Volvo, which was politely lighting up the dashboard with a count down on the number of miles I had left. Regular unleaded is $4.69 in Reedville. Air Volvo is happy with a full tank.

Corwin is up when I get home, and we unwrap the two new roses, bare roots, that I ordered almost 16 months ago, before my cancer and the strokes for Susie. The rose, Wedgwood, is impossible to get except by special order from the grower, David Austin USA. I thought we should add some color to the backyard with climbing roses on the fence. It was the middle of the worst pandemic, so I wanted a bit of color and something a bit long horizon to look forward to.

It is a grafted rose, but I have three of those now. I like my roses to grow on their own roots, here in wet Oregon. But, grafted roses are often the only way to get some roses. These are expensive too.

Corwin installed two holes, followed directions from David Austin folks’ pamphlet, and planted two climbers near the fence in the backyard. I had supplied special infected soil additives and rose food to mix in the earth. I was resting while Corwin quickly and efficiently planted the roses. Corwin loves the roses we have grown over the years. It has been quite a few years since we added to all our roses. This is also the first time I have ordered bare roots, so it will be interesting how it goes.

Today was a busy day, and I headed out a bit early to get food before the Dungeon and Dragon game at Cory’s. I was must well enough to do it and wanted a distraction. I picked up some food at Taco Bell and then drove over. I had coffee with my order.

The game was fun, but I was fading at the end. Again, we had more combat than expected with us surprised and attacked by a boss monster. Lucky for us, a terrible die roll from Matt, our DM, a 1 on a twenty-sided die, sent the boss into the water. We then managed to bring on enough hits with an advantage on the roll to knock out the boss and bring the battle to a halt. Scott, unfortunately, took most of the initial fire and was knocked out for the whole fight.

I drove home way of donut place and brought back a dozen home. I took my pills with donuts and then went to bed.

I finished Americana before falling asleep and getting about six hours of sleep. I had to take some meds as I felt pretty terrible at 4ish. I have all the side effects this Monday!

Jack recommended Americana: A 400-Year History of American Capitalism, and I would say it is an excellent review of how America came to be. It is clear about the tough history of the USA. Its review of current events and conclusions are thoughtful. Thanks, Jack, and I would recommend it too.

 

I managed to sleep only four hours of any consequence. I was up at 8:30ish.

I managed to get dressed and write the blog without any issues. But then realized I had not taken my pills at noon! I had missed a dose in cycle 2, which is how this happens. I just get going and just forget that 10AM went by. So I took the dose at noon and immediately felt the impact. I was back to that nervous, shaking feeling.

Being already late, I drove to see Susie in Room 44A at the Forest Grove Rehab and Care Center. I then found my first ever traffic jam to Forest Grove. For forty minutes, I was stalled in stop-and-go traffic on TV Highway (which later connects to 3900 Pacific Highway). I found no cause for the stall, and it took a long time to clear all the lights in TV Highway. The surprise mess did not improve the driving, with many cars suddenly changing lanes and doing U-turns.

A couple of cars rev-d loudly and then slammed into lanes showing great frustrations. I often see these cars, smaller with dark windows and interesting modifications, suddenly accelerating and even racing on the TV highway.

When I reached the turn for the facility, a muscle car decided to drive around me and then went down the Pacific Highway turning lane with a lot of noise and bravado. Apparently, the turning signal did not convince the driver I was turning, so the driver passed me in the turning lane as I was entering it. Luckily, we both were talented enough drivers to avoid an impact. Air Volvo was very busy telling me about these things as they happened.

I forgot to take a picture of Susie on Saturday. I was feeling less and less well from the side effects. So we called Leta, Susie’s mom, and Glenda and Gene, Susie’s Aunt and Uncle in North Carolina, and used FaceTime to chat for a while.

Susie was yawning, and I felt less and less good, so it was a short visit.

The traffic was still heavy for a Saturday. I drove over to Sonics closer to my house and then waited another 45 minutes to get a foot-long Connie Island. Everywhere was slow and full of cars. The hot dog was well cooked. It must have spent a long time on the rolling cooker. The food helped a bit, but I still felt unwell and returned directly to the Volvo Cave.

I closed my eyes for just a moment, and it was 6PM. My body could not make up its mind if I would throw up or rush to the bathroom. So instead, I ordered dinner, this time on my dime, from BJ’s and shared a rack of ribs with Corwin. I had 1/2 of the baked potato and a few ribs. I was not really liking food at the time.

I purchased the 1968 SciFi movie Project X. This is a paranoid anti-China film where the West must unlock a secret in a mind in 14 days to learn the insidious plan that the East will use to destroy the West. I had remembered this film today and wanted to see what it was like–I used to watch all the SciFi films on Saturday afternoons in the 1970s on a local channel. In the film, there are many strange psychedelic effects, and a peculiar mix of the 1960s version of the year 2118 will look like. The year 2118, from this movie’s view, has everything as old fashion switch, nob, or needle display, and there are no cell phones. But, we can wear see-through helmets and reprogram minds in the future. A terrible film made in the same year as 2001 A Space Odyssey.

After that, I tried to sleep. I had no luck and was up with various side effects until 4AM. I read more Americana that covered Nike and the clash of cultures around hip hop and gangster rap. I recommend this book.