Today 29March2023: Tears

I will start in the middle today with the sad part of the day; I reached Susie in the afternoon at the hummingbird house in Portland (Tigard) at 9925 SW 82nd. Ave. Portland (Tigard), OR 97223; phone (503) 246-4116. I had spent the morning working at the shoe company office building for the project called the Clubhouse (originally the golf building), which is not on the Nike WHQ, but just a short drive away. After breakfast, she napped in her recliner in the shared living room. Susie woke and smiled when she saw me. Susie is always happy when I visit.

As always, we use my iPhone to call Leta (Susie’s mother) in Lansing, Michigan, on FaceTime. Susie and Leta are happy to see each other and chat for a while. Susie’s language is still difficult to understand (the stroke was on the right side two Novembers ago and impaired her speech), but the managed to have a nice time talking.

It was time for me to go, I had to return to work and find some lunch, but Susie said, “no, not so soon.” She had tears in her eyes. She is also yawning and falling asleep and complains that she is falling asleep. Susie does not want this reality today where she is trapped falling asleep not in her house and not with her family (me). Susie tells me not to go. Her eyes are wet. I stay just a bit longer and hold her hand, she starts again to nod off, and she agrees I can go, but I promise to return on Thursday and a movie on Saturday when I am not working. I leave with a kiss with the image of Susie’s tears.

I am not OK after this, and the rest of the afternoon at work is lost. I researched Git and discussed some work items and career planning with the younger members, but it was all like a dream. I was miserable and sad. The worst days are when Susie wants her life back and asks me to stay and help her. I still have to work and can visit every day, but not for long.

I have tears, and I am lost today. It is hard today. It sucks.

Returning to the story, After leaving Susie, I get some lunch somewhere–Panera Bread nearby. I have a salad that I barely taste. I read some articles on my phone, trying to distract myself. I then head back to work but have to turn around–I was driving to see Susie again. My mind wants to stay with her, but I find a street, turn around, and find my way back to Nike’s Clubhouse building. I sit in Air Volvo, trying to find my focus–it is not coming. I walk into the building, and slowly my focus resettles a bit. But I am sad all day, and tears come unbidden while reading Slack channel updates or emails.

I walk down to the coffee folks. Nike has a coffee for sale in our building. The baristas are falling asleep–there are no customers (most folks are off or working from home this week–Spring Break); they are happy to make me a coffee drink–I let them pick it. They are happy for a distraction. I return up the stairs–I no longer feel exhausted from using the stairs or feel like I will fall–better.

Work ends after 5PM, and I drive to Beaverton’s Cedar Hills strip mall and try Shack Shack; I have never been to one. A kind manager with a head scarf and a Midwest accent helps me order on a screen; I select the recommended white truffle-flavored burger, fries, and a Diet Coke. She even arranges lettuce on my burger and brings me my to-go order. Quite kind and that brightens my day–kindness goes a long way when you are sad.

I drive to First United Methodist in Beaverton and eat my delicious burger and fries in Air Volvo. Z and Dondrea pull in. I spend the evening playing board games with Z. First is Wingspan, two quick games, and then two games of Azule in which I might have made a mistake scoring, so we will call those ties.  Z and I needed a distraction, so we focused on the game and forgot everything else.

I have described Wingspan before; it is a newish game and elegant once you get the rules down. It allows you to build a virtual bird sanctuary and Euro-game-style engines with the birds you attract. Today, I was far ahead, but I got lucky and got some very good combinations of bird cards; I have played the game when I got nothing useful and watched as another player just crushed it–my turn to get all the cool cards (birds). Still a fun game, but just a bit too random for me in the original version. I have played with the expansion–Wingspan European Expansion, which is less random–I need to get that. Z had a good time with me; I won by less than ten points in the two games.

I am calm again, and the sadness is mostly gone now (the writing brings back damp eyes for me–but that is why I write; I want to remember and record every day–they are precious to me). Dear reader, I’m sorry if today is a downer, but I want to write the truth as I experience it.

I am feeling better now.

The morning started with me wondering how 6AM could be so soon. I found breakfast, an NYC bagel defrosted for 15 seconds in the microwave. Liberal coffee to join that. I read emails, Slack channel updates, and the news to prepare for my Wednesday. I did all my exercises and then dressed and rushed out the door. I made it in time for all the meetings starting at 8AM.

A hard day, but kindness surfaced from a stranger, and some fun with Z relieved the pain.

I took off the days after my birthday Monday 17April-18April. I wanted some days off with a chance to hang out longer with Susie.

Thanks for reading.