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I am up early Sunday morning to heat a ham for today’s church potluck. I could not find my favorite, a spiral-cut ham, and thus, I am using a regular ham and will have to carve it; ugh! But I am getting ahead…

The morning started with having dreams I don’t remember and being surprised to wake up after 8AM. Joyce, Susie’s aunt in North Carolina, sent more NYC bagels from Zabar’s, but they were lost, and another shipment is now headed to me. Instead, I had a slice of freshly made no-knead bread and a banana to go with my liberal coffee in my French press for breakfast.

I wrote the blog the previous night, so I went slow and tried to enjoy a pleasant morning. I tried to assemble the model of the building I am making for Richard for his Suburbia. I am always so optimistic when I start a model, and I thought this one would come together with ease. It did not. I broke a part, which forced me to assemble more to mount it repaired than I wanted before I worked out the lighting. I also drilled some of the supports with an electric drill and cracked one, but not seriously. Goodness, this is turning into a major project!

I painted the outside with off-white (Mummy Robes from Army Painter), using a brush and diluted paint. I wanted to not have brush marks, so I went with very wet, light coats. I had sprayed “white” Mr. Hobby’s Surfacer on the parts, so the paint just colored the model something, not a stark white primer. I decided to paint the window frames, and my brush made a mess of it. I will need to mask the building and then touch-up (a light off-white will not easily cover a Gun Metal color from Army Painter) light issues. This means I will not finish this soon.

I glued some clear, bright LEDs into the supports, which I will power with the 2023 coin cell holders I have inbound from Amazon. I forgot to remove the paint before I glue, thus gluing to paint, and one part keeps falling off. Generally, I started to remember all my modeling skills, how hard model building is, and why it takes so long. I will take my time and do this one right.

I do my Quicken checks, and eTrade refuses my download from Quicken, hmmm. I am locked out from any transactions until I contact eTrade. This is not expected, as I just received money from the insurance company, and I am now transferring it to my regular checking. eBanks are sensitive to money laundry, and, being from Oregon, I need to show that this is not profits from a natural business like illegal (at the federal level) mushroom sales. I found someone, Penny, in some far distant call center for Morgan Stanley (eTrade is Morgan Stanley), who has me take photos of the insurance letters and death certificate. That is not enough, but the insurance company answers their phone for Penny on the weekend (wow!) at yet-another-call-center in some distant land and agrees that my transaction is from them and legitimate. My accounts are released, and I celebrate by spending another hour trying to invest some of the now-approved cash into something that pays interest. I managed to get 1/4 of the money (all I want to lock down) to buy a US Treasury for three months. Lastly, I put in the transfer only to cancel it as I saw that the previous one (I got a note that it failed) was still in progress, and not wanting to double the transfer (and exceed the transfer limit), I canceled the newly entered transfer. Yikes! I will see if this one will clear on Monday.

I cleaned up and dressed. I always use Utterly Smooth 25% Urea (cow pee), as advised by my Doc and the oncology pharmacist. My numbness is not getting worse in my fingers and toes. I do not know if this works or why it would work, but it is not expensive, so I continue with it. My hands have never been smoother.

I took Air Volvo to Fred Myers (owned by Krogers for those in the mid-west) and could not find a spiral-cut ham, so I bought a hefty $25 ham. It is a lot of ham. I will have to carve it on Sunday morning after I heat it through. It’s not as easy as I like it for a church potluck.

Returning to Volvo Cave, I stored the ham in the frig; next, now running late, I headed to Portland. I picked the Lucky Labrador today for gaming, beer, and food for this Saturday afternoon, and soon, having no traffic to mention, arrived and parked in their parking lot. Perfect.

I had their excellent BLT with perfect bread and freshly cooked bacon with mayo. I drank two beers there, resisting my need to self-medicate from grief by enjoying more than a glass every other hour. Evan and I played Vindication, with Evan surprising me with what tiles he included in the game. We played our usual game, and luck was with Evan; he pulled ahead by 11 points when the game unexpectedly ended. I also got low-scoring monsters and lost two companions to poor rolls as I tried to raise my score; ugh. In the second game, I got the companion that gives you two more points for every companion. So soon, I was twenty points ahead, spending most of my time repeatedly getting companions (four or more points a turn is good in Vindication). I also vindicated myself to add some more points and have options. Evan should have headed out for more high-point-generating locations–I had vindicated in case I needed to change tactics, but luck kept many of these places undiscovered and in the Scum Bag. I won by about ten points, tripping the game end by having lots of companions, with Evan finding some points on mastery to improve his final score.

We were running out of time, so we did a rushed game of The Lost Ruins of Arnak, but we could not finish the game. The scores were close, with my landing the top points for research, but Evan was ahead on defeated guardians. We had one round left when we put the game away. I was 15 minutes early when I left, but I forgot to pay and had to drive back and pay. Traffic was light, and I found a parking spot in front and managed to pay and leave in minutes. The area was full of people now dressed for Halloween–there must have been some dance parties starting (no kids). This made me twenty minutes late for Richard’s game.

It was Kathleen, Richard, and I tonight and the board game Voidfall. This game, which I like, is a military 4X (without the one X for Exterminate, as you cannot be eliminated by rules) redressed into a worker placement game with engine-building. It has the weird technology trees you see in many 4X games, but also the point cards that you acquire and most of the points to win. I scored last as I am not very good at collecting bonus cards. I also tried to follow the military for my race, but that was not quite right as the game is worker and engine-building. Kathleen almost caught Richard, whose score was nearly double mine. Still, I like it and will try to learn the bonus card part next.

Air Volvo took Kathleen home with me, discussing gaming and other good distractions. We spent a while in her driveway talking about Lord of the Rings (LOTR); I would like to try the role playing game (RPG) of LOTR. Kathleen tried Dungeons and Dragons 5E (5E) almost a month ago with Corwin and me. She enjoyed. So, she would like to try LOTR 5E. So will see if we can do that. A chance to play hobbits in The Shire!

Air Volvo managed to reach the Volvo Cave without incident. I was dodging people and cars in Portland and did get honked at once when I noticed that the lane I was pulling in did not have room for Air Volvo as someone drove in the middle–it was not a one-way, but we escaped without losing paint.

My packages arrived from Amazon, but still no bagels (likely on Monday). I went to bed, setting the alarm for 6:30 to bake the ham and carve it before church. I fell asleep a few minutes into reading. I dreamed about the book before I realized I was asleep while holding my Kindle; I put away the Kindle and slept.

Thanks for reading.

Added later:
I am still feeling sad, and I cannot find that much pleasure in doing many things. I enjoy doing them, but afterward, I feel sad as I miss Susie and feel strange to forget that moment while working on a model or playing a game. The colors are faded, and the food taste is a bit less. I feel like I am in a dream–disassociated–and want to wake up and find Susie happy next to me, and the sad dream is over. Tears come here and there. It is hard to move to the next thing, but I do, like a mental syrup or the leaded limbs of a dream. I can see why folks slide into drugs (including alcohol) as they want to escape not from the grief but from noticing the dream-like world. I will try to get more exercise and keep doing things I like. I suspect the disassociation feeling will remain, but the episodes will become shorter and shorter over a year.

I just wanted to include what I am feeling. Thanks for reading.

Dear reader, I am at Wildwood Taphouse having a beer. I told the bartender that my wife had passed away on the 13th when she addressed me. I got a hug, and my beer was on the house. I did not know how to say it, so I told her. She was shocked and saddened, but now I did not have to pretend. The bartender seemed happy that I shared that with her.

I am writing the blog at a table, just enjoying the company and the energy of our local taps.

It was a dry day today, but it was still cool and grey. The forecast suggests sun for the weekend, but we will see.

I have been building a model, N-Scale, on and off all day that I am making for Richard for the board game Suburbia. It is not going as well as I hoped. The model has broken and has not come together as quickly as I expected. I also have to go out of order to enable lighting of the building, making it more complex. I decided to stop after painting some of the model’s surfaces. I will need to mask it, and that will take time. I also searched the house for my coin battery holders, but I could not find them. I put them somewhere before Matt organized the room, so it was not that. I gave up and ordered some more ($6) from Amazon to be delivered on Saturday.

Before this, I was eating Brunswick Stew with chicken I had made from scratch today, a huge pot. I found the recipe in the NY Times and wanted to try it. I started this before my work day finished as it needed to simmer for multiple hours. My boss reminded me via Slack that I had some training to complete. This corporate year, we have 90 days to complete Unconscious Bias and Cyber Security training. My laptop browser was not working right for one of the classes, so I stopped 1/2 way last month. Today, I copied the URL to Microsoft’s Internet Explorer, and everything started to work–I use Google’s browser as a default. I completed the strew and the class at about the same time.

I watched the last part of the very long and latest Mission Impossible movie on my Apple while enjoying dinner. I had a couple of slices of my homemade bread with the stew. I buttered the slices and sprinkled them with just a little sea salt (I use unsalted butter). I enjoyed the movie. Dinner was good.

Before this, I was working from home, and it was a quiet day with about four hours of status meetings–all Zoom. The project I am working on is busy this weekend with a few things, but generally, we are quiet, and I do not have to work this weekend.

I did slip out and grocery shop for the Brunswick Stew and a few other items at Safeway. It is still strange to me to see full shelves and no masks being required–some folks (more than before, I think) are now wearing masks. I got a few bags and returned with my goodies to the Volvo Cave.

Work started at home at 8AM. I had trouble sleeping and woke at 5ish every ten minutes after that until I gave up and started my Friday at 7ish. I made liberal coffee, butter a slice of my bread, and added some jam; lastly, I finished the canned peaches I had started yesterday. I scoop out the fruit and, being diabetic, send the sugary juice down the drain.

I plan to pay off the loan on my 401K to cover Susie’s medical costs with the insurance money for Susie, but eTrade cannot seem to make their banking work. I can write a check and deposit and might do this soon. I should be able to transfer freely to my US Bank checking. I had issues with this before. eBanks are good at taking your money and less about sharing it. I am mildly annoyed–I have experienced this before, and if they don’t fix it soon, I will make some harsh decisions about their service and contact agencies about not having access to funds.

Before I headed out, I put the stew in containers and a freezer bag. I have enough for all week!

Thanks for reading!

 

 

Today started at 5:30, as I woke up and could not get back to sleep. It was slow going and too early. I found the kitchen. I opened a can of peaches, spooned out half, and made a bagel-like bread product, locally produced, with cream cheese. I made liberal coffee in the French Press–the taste reminded me that we have a new Speaker of the House, someone I can’t stand (but I wish him well and hope he can make it work). I was in my office early, logged into Nike (my Nike laptop had to restart for some patch), checked emails and Slack messages, and reported my return to work at Sedgwick.

Returning to old habits, I popped into the shower at 7AM and soon was dressed and in Air Volvo. The Thursday traffic towards Nike WHQ was thick, and I did wait for a school bus. I arrived early despite the traffic. I started my usual ninety minutes of status and process meetings. I managed just one before folks came to me to welcome me back and to share their love and friendship. Some have recently experienced a family loss, and we shared our experiences. I spent most of the morning reconnecting and sharing. A second breakfast waited for me (food is provided to the test teams, and we are included in that group by default).

I arranged for the time off (and later tonight ordered the air flights and rental car) to visit Zerida in Texas. I promised to see her when I could, so I will be there on the 10th for a long weekend. It’s just an all-star tour of in and out, but it is what I can manage. It will be great to visit with Zerida.

Today, I found lunch at McDonald’s (skipping the taco salad supplied as I needed a break), Dad’s fav of two cheeseburgers with fries, and then returned to work and talked to people and shocking some folks by telling them about Susie’s death. It was exhausting. I mainly felt disassociated (like in a dream), and at one time, I felt like I was having an asthma attack (because I was–the inhaler helped). While I have had bad days at work, none felt like this: A marathon to think clearly and hold back the flood of emotions.

I did one last meeting, and there I had to answer many technical questions (details cannot be shared here), bringing me back to myself. I understood and could respond to these things and felt more like myself. But I had reached my limits. I left at 3ish and drove home in light traffic.

My No-Knead bread was bubbled and ready for the next step; I popped it out of the bowl, some flout sprinkled on me, and a mat let me form it into a ball, and I placed it on towels, also floured to rise for two more hours. I tried to read.

In the mail was a letter to Susie’s family from the Lakota boys and girls at St. Joseph’s Indian School. They would pray and include Susie in masses at the school. I cried and cried after reading that. The storm, not a tide this time, of emotions hit all at once. It hurt, but I am glad they wrote and will have a mass with Susie’s name.

I rested, and I slept; I was exhausted. I woke to Susie calling “Mikey.” I was likely snoring, and she used to wake me when it got bad. She was not there when I looked for her. I then remembered. It did not hurt this time; it was nice to dream and hear Susie’s voice.

I started to assemble an N-scale building for Richard for the board game Suburbia first player marker. I have to figure out a way to light it. I think I can mount clear plastic over the windows, paint them inside white, and then install some LED lights and coin cells. The model is strong-built, so it should work as a playing piece, and I can cut an opening to put the cells into the building. I am still trying to work it out.

I reheated the pasta and meatballs I made a few days ago in the microwave. I watched more of the latest Mission Impossible movie on my Apple Computer. It is so long I watch it in pieces. For the bread, following the process, I popped the dough, now risen, for my loaf in a preheated Dutch oven. The bread came out 45 minutes later and was perfect, if a bit plain.

Aside: This is the NY Times No-Knead Recipe, but plenty of recipes exist.

I then went to write the blog in the office.

Thanks for reading.

 

After playing board games with Z, Andrew, and Sean at church, I returned to the house. Z and I play while the chorus and band practice on Wednesdays. Z and I started on Istanbul, a resource and economic board game, and then added a third player, which Sean started, and Andrew finished for our second game. We played the base game and expanded to three players in the second game. I won both, but economic and resource management is my thing. I am back in the office writing a blog for today. My office is now reorganized by Matt, and my model-building stuff is here now. I will move the figure painting stuff to the office soon. I am grateful and happy to return to model building and figure painting. I have waited years to be back to this.

Before taking Air Volvo back to the house, after playing games, I met Z and Dondrea at the church. I brought Susie’s blue wool coat and a hat (and a cool hat box), a matching blue, to give to Z. The cape/coat fit well, and the hat looked perfect with Z’s blond hair. The hat was purchased with the then Las Vegas-based Weis family when we met after yet-another-SAP-computer-convention Las Vegas–It was worn just a few times, and I am happy that I held back the hat and coat for Z. The cape/coat is from a purchase in the 1990s in Annapolis, Maryland. Enjoy Z!

Before this, I arrived early at the church, walked down to Avia Coffee, and got a grilled ham and cheese plus three cannoles separately boxed. I shared those with Z and Dondrea. I felt like we were in a cheap mob movie, “Yes, godfather, I brought your favorite cannoles.” They were excellent.

Before this, I was at the house looking at my 1945 version of the IJN Yamato, the largest battleship. This will be my first construction project to find my way again. I ordered some replacement parts. I already have etched brass replacement parts. I ordered gun barrels and wooden take overlays. I have three recently published books on the ship. Only recently have we gotten good sources for IJN Yamato. I have to get paint and various other items. It should be an easy build for me. I will do minimum rigging as it is 1/700 and only 14 inches long. Less is more at this scale. I will not do the usual last moments of the IJN Yamato diorama, even though it is just a water-line model, but have it join my soon-to-grow 1/700 fleet.

Moving back, I traveled to Beaverton food carts and had a terrible order of fish and chips with a beer. I wanted to get lunch instead of reheating something. I took Air Volvo from the house to the carts and back.

Matt arrived at 10AM and reorganized all the models and figures into the cabinets we moved in last week. He moved the models from the garage to the office and got everything orderly. We also took all of Susie’s clothing in six bags to First United Methodist Church. These will be sorted and shared with the local shelters. Being so small, Susie’s clothing will be shared with the shelters that service local kids. One more gift from Susie to the community. Yesterday, Susie’s coats, three heavy and huge bags, were added to the local coat drive and soon should be helping the greater Portland area. While it makes me cry, it fits our liberal beliefs to give it all away.

Matt and I loaded a spare dresser and drawers into Air Volvo and took it to Goodwill. My old bathroom cabinet also was sent to Goodwill. Matt was done at 1:30PM, and I did not have more work planned. Thanks, Matt! We did all I was good to manage. Excellent.

Aside: If you have like tasks for Matt, he would love to hear from you. He has retired and is looking for a good workout and a chance to bring more order to the world. Contact him or me, and you, too, can experience the ultimate in friendly organizing.

I started my day at 8ish and found a breakfast of instant oatmeal and liberal coffee. My goods from King Arthur Bread company arrived. I replaced my dated yeast and poured it on my roses. I mixed up a rising no-knead bread recipe (18+ hours). I put away the other items until later.

I wrote a first draft of Susie’s obituary, which I will edit again on Thursday night, and then talked to Barb and Leta to get some details from skating and Susie’s early life. I received some excellent replies on Susie’s celebration. We will start setting a date and then work out the logistics and schedule preparations. I am waiting for my new Apple laptop, which shipped today from China and will arrive 2Nov2023. Someone has already offered to purchase my old M1 13″, so it looks like it already has a home.

It is so strange not to see Susie today–my day seems incomplete and discombobulated. I did have a quick call with Leta and Barb (Susie’s mother and sister, respectively). I did not call Leta back; she had to ring off, but we will connect on Thursday.

Well, it is past 11PM, and I am back to work on Thursday morning, so I think I will stop there. Thanks for reading.

 

It was a rainy day all Tuesday with only breaks with Oregon mist. The forecast suggests a clear weekend; I think the weatherperson is just trying to give us some hope. I wrote the blog the night before, so I had a more leisurely morning and was ready at 10AM when Matt V showed up. I made a pot of coffee and had instant oatmeal for breakfast before Matt arrived.

Matt could do the morning, and he stuffed Susie’s clothing in large lawn garbage bags. We reserved cool shirts that might be made into quilts and/or pillows to share with Susie’s greater family. Coats, which became three large bags, are headed to a local coat drive for the winter. Finally, there were six full bags of pants, shirts, suits, etc. These are headed to local shelters in Beaverton through our church. Matt V and I will deliver them to First United Methodist Church on Wednesday. Susie thus supplied nine huge bags of clothing to help folks in Beaverton!

We put the underwear, socks, and other items that cannot be sent to the recycle bin. Also, a mass of hangers were recycled. I emptied the drawers and found a picture Susie had put in a drawer to keep it safe.

Ben, Leta, Barb, and Susie in a photo taken for the Faith United Methodist directory picture. I put the small photo in a frame in my office.

Matt also vacuumed and found the floor of some of the closets. It being Matt, he ordered all the pair hangers in order and grouped them by color and type.

While Matt did most of the work, unloaded all the coats, emptied their pockets, and put them back in the bags, I worked on paperwork and plans for later. I sent Susie’s celebration party plan email and will follow up with folks soon. Once we agree on the idea, I will set dates.

I connected with insurance and sent an image of the death certificate to insurance. They have sent the payment, and I am waiting for the bank to see it. My new Apple will be here the first week of November–it is specially assembled in China with maxed memory and solid-state storage. From what I can read, it is twice the power of mine, an original M1 13″, an Air Book, and not my usual heavy Max Pro. For the first time, I will have a 15″ screen–pure luxury. I ordered black, like my second Mac that I loved so much.

Aside: Apple has been supplying a migration tool from one Mac to a new one; thus, I have had one image for over ten years. I just load my stuff using their tool to the next platform.

Returning to the narrative, Matt headed out just this afternoon and will be back on Wednesday. I drove to Red Robin in Beaverton and had lunch and a beer, a Stella–Susie’s fav. I selected the two enchilada chicken breasts and salad. I ruined the low-calorie count by having a side of french fries.

After an excellent repast, I returned home, got the mail, paid bills, and did some Nike paperwork. I paid another of the final bills for Susie. I rested for a short while and then started to cook dinner.

I made jambalaya by cutting sausage, browning, and adding a can of stewed tomato. I let that cook for a while. I then open a box of seasoned rice, let it heat momentarily, and add water. I then made a mistake; I did not cut the heat after the mixture reached a boil to cook the rice without burning it for twenty-five minutes. I discovered the mistake and dumped the non-burned rice into another pan, added water, and simmered it. For the mess, I poured water on the outside of the bottom of the pan to stop the burning. I set the pan in the sink to soak filled with water. No loss, and the mess came off without issue–just saved. Any time the rice is done, pour water on the bottom of the outside of the pan and then stir, and it will not burn.

Dinner was good–I saved it. I watched the newer Mission Impossible Movie on my Apple as I love the chase scene in Rome. The movie was on while I was cooking, and I suspect that is how I missed the rice step. I did not add any seafood this time as I had too much going on to remember it.

I checked, and the movie A Haunting in Venice was still on and cheap on Tuesday ($6.75), so I headed to Beaverton to see it again. The popcorn was $7.50, more than the movie, and was delicious. The movie was perfect, and I can hear Hercule Poirot in my mind again; “The little grey cells” were happy. The movie is a reworking of an Agatha Christie story, now reset with a scary theme. There are even jump scares. Excellent.

I took Air Volvo home. I decided to stay up and write the blog tonight to make the morning less rushed.

Thanks for reading.